foam. froth. bubbles. i’m such of a fan of that churning water gargle that whirs up during a series of clean and steady kicks.
i know brick by brick is how the job gets done. and i know the beauty behind the flutter kick water churn is akin to that of the rolling freight train, rhythm. momentum. my creative reps, my bricks, follow one another at diff rates. sometimes there are interruptions. breaks. if i only look for that sweet whirring up of bubbles and forgoe the pleasure of laying a single brick, i’ll miss some of the most enjoyable parts.
chase called it.
we’re in a funk
our hows are different. are whys are different. but whatever the case, we are here. now. the question is how to re-saddle? how do we reconnect with our individual (or shared) sense of purpose? is it a choice to simply dive back in? do we scale slow? should we go back and review our hows and whys? i don’t have the answer just yet but restlessness is building and as mindfulness returns to me a sense of calm, a break from feeling behind. a break from feeling as if i’m failing at some unknown. i can breathe slow. i can sit with my thoughts as they continually prance in and out of view. otherwise, i am their mercy. from this, a semblance of a clue peeks out at me….
what do you want nai.
what do you want?
i’m aware of some good “life-strategies”. a few healthy practices. the value of my support circle. but what i’m searching for isn’t another strategy in order to replace one that isn’t working. i want increased awareness moment to moment to allow for better decision making. more minutes present vs autopilot.
the idea here isn’t to fully do away with autopilot mode, it’s useful. being in flow, for example, seems closely related to the phenomenon of constant unfolding thought. the issue is that most thoughts are erratic, rising and roaring forth from the void that is the unconscious. i can’t control that torrid but i would like to practice waking from it more often. allowing for more points during the day, during my life, to reposition myself. mindfulness is key. i don’t need to “know” more, i need more moments where i can recall that i am separate from my thoughts. after all, they are in part simply the sounds of the city, memories that unfold “at random”, and millions of year of evolution whispering into my ear whenever it pleases. and most days i’m unaware that “i” didn’t make an appearance at all..
scratch scratch. poke poke.
this thing still on?
i met my objective for today– i worked on Heartbeat.
the list of things on my mind extends far beyond that but that isn’t the point of this post.
so… to my anxious, confused, mean, and selfish brain… objective achieved. thank you for your service. please hold the overwhelm and judgment.
my usual strategy for overwhelm is to run the clock. to exit the game. to stop playing. to let the buzzer wail as anxious thoughts eddy about me. this let the pieces fall where they may, hands up in defeat mentality is an attempt to rid myself of desire. rather than leaning into the challenge i release from engagement.
except it doesn’t work.
the desire stays with me. and because i’m not acting that desire mutates into shame, guilt, anxiety, or some other toxic force. the obsession never fades but is instead corrupted and becomes corrosive. this is one of the ways i deal with overwhelm. this particular method isn’t healthy, it is sustainable–though the price is peace is pretty fucking steep, it’s not fulfilling, nor is it productive.
if i take a moment and look through my cookie jar (all my wins) the common denominator is leaning in. getting into bed and wrestling with the challenge at hand. sometimes that’s diving right in, other times that’s scaling up slowly, either way, as always, begin.
love you universe
tony robbins talks about the 6 human needs
the first 4 can yield happiness but fulfillment can only be achieved with the inclusion of the last 2. i haven’t interfaced w/ this material in a really long time but it’s coming up now. how are these needs being met ? are the decisions/vehicles/methods i’m using to meet these needs healthy or unhealthy? which needs am i prioritizing at the moment?
reflect and soak this in nai.
i missed u.
i don’t visit nearly often enough.
today ends w/ u giving me the swerve on the motion tracking i wanted. tbh the motion tracking is fine. but whenever i duplicate files they call point to the same parent source, so if i personalize one call out title they all change! all attempted workarounds have failed. the answer is somewhere out there doe.
it’s just like EVERYONE around me said— just start. you’ll get into flow AND love it. you love doing this KIND OF WORK.
goddarnshit so much fun!!!!
it’s fucking crazyballs that i was soooooooooooooooooo avoidant. jeezuz fuck. once i just focused on EDITING. it. was. straight. glory. i mean ZERO pain. not to mention it was only a 3.5hr edit–i mean i have been exposed to the footie for a bit now but i really haven’t been thinking about it. shit. perhaps my subconscious has? or was i just hype to edit again? whatever the case i’m DONE with my initial rough cut. kyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa❤❤❤❤😂. it was so nice poking and plucking at numerous ways to tell the story. nudging the universe before me. it was DA BEST. hah.
okay and now it’s 0518.. deets tom. or some other time. for now. victory 🙌🏾 i wish i was involved since the beginning on this project. hm…. well maybe not. i just wish the footage was just coded better. like for real.
i will admit this: i REALLY HATE unorganized or disorganized footage.
a systematic setup means an easy workflow. and that means i can focus on the edit and just the edit. and man does that feel good. i will most definitely study/read up on classic editing styles and adopt all the industry-standard principles at once 😈😁❤💋🐱🐉💖
love you world.
i’ve never considered the amount of blogs chase or i have published thus far.
i think i’m at 98 posts, which is kinda cray. i say this to say this, i’m ALWAYS looking, judging, and evaluating my work but if i step back and look at the work i’m NOT eyeing–i’m proud.
the things i eye the most grow the slowest. this ethos is also embedded in gary vee’s document over create.
build. go brick by brick. stop looking all the time.
love you universe
why do i only feel motivation to adhere to them 5 seconds after the buzzer goes off?
do things really have to go bad before i change my ways?
is it a hard-headed rock bottom issue? maybe i really don’t comprehend the value…
perhaps my life luck has ossified this bad habit.
guilt and shame are good motivators—why isn’t delivering on time? those with anxiety or an obsessive work ethic are blessed in this regard. pops always said, “those who don’t listen feel”—i’m on that path. reputation is everything and i keep toying with mine..
freelance is damn near impossible without a healthy rep. not to mention as technology democratizes the film world, creative aptitude and reputation will be the only shiney differentiators.
will u survive nai nai?