reset.

today i cleaned the holy-shit out of my room. simply put, i really went to town. i  moved all the items i don’t regularly use out. i also leaned out my closet.

it feels good to be free.

by the end of the day i was pooped. rest felt good. i’ve still been avoiding something though. goal setting. sitting down with myself and peering into a dream of the future scares me. i hold my breath every time i think about it. but i just realized something. though i’ve been avoiding the actual writing part, i have been thinking about it. catching a glimpse of some of the faces i want in my life. watching a few scenes which whisper the qualities that make the man i want to be. it’s still murky but tomorrow morning i will write. i will wake up at 0730 and go through this exercise. and then i will take a step forward.

 

p.s. thanks for texting when you posted chase. i SO forgot about posting today. for some reason i was logging yesterday’s post as having fulfilled today’s requirement. note to self: set alarm at 2200 to trigger a blog post check.

love you universe
~nai

we’re back!

chasey-boo and i are returning to daily posts today. issa good feeling. for myself, today (and tomorrow) primarily revolve around keeping house: laundry, listing and reconnecting with all projects in the pipeline, blog (☑), work on dreaming/journaling/reflecting on my future (aka goal setting), and last but not least updating my expense report & budget for the month.

sweet success

today flowed well. i was prepared. had fun.
and i BELIEVE i got all the shots.
and i’m getting paid. that part feels good.

it felt good last time too (zoo bumper)..
so did that big budget corporate gig..

(james earl jones voice)
remember.
remember…

gearing up for battle

i took time to prepare. re-acquainted my self w/ ronin. everything is charging. i’m going to leave at 0500 and arrive at 0530, more likely 0520. let’s get it. cards are clean. less slow-mo, more 24, i’ll still mix it up tho. nudge alarm at 0400. up and pack everything at 0430. let’s get it.

thoughts.

things on my mind.

  • do an aar (after action review) for the Heartbeat project. get on paper (or the screen) the broad strokes around what happened, why it happened, and how it could have been improved. thanks chase.
  • keep closing projects some experiences have been sweet, others slow but this is what i wanted. to FIND out more. keep going.
  • meditate daily meditation, journaling, and physical activity are proven sources of revitalization for me. i don’t always have all three of these systems going but meditation (namely mindfulness) is especially important for navigating moments of depression, anxiety, and any other variant of negative spiral-like behavior. i tend to backslide without out it…
  • take action do something about the things on my mind. decide to let them go. decide to start but AVOIDANCE is not a good strategy. RESPOND!

decide to begin again

sam harris reminds me that we can always, “decide to begin again.” cloud thoughts interrupt meditation– begin again. life events disrupt momentum– begin again.

there are circuit breakers in my life which have been tripped– begin again. 

flutter kicks

foam. froth. bubbles. i’m such of a fan of that churning water gargle that whirs up during a series of clean and steady kicks.

i know brick by brick is how the job gets done.  and i know the beauty behind the flutter kick water churn is akin to that of the rolling freight train, rhythm. momentum. my creative reps, my bricks, follow one another at diff rates.  sometimes there are interruptions. breaks. if i only look for that sweet whirring up of bubbles and forgoe the pleasure of laying a single brick, i’ll miss some of the most enjoyable parts.

funk

chase called it.

we’re in a funk

our hows are different. are whys are different. but whatever the case, we are here. now. the question is how to re-saddle? how do we reconnect with our individual (or shared) sense of purpose? is it a choice to simply dive back in? do we scale slow? should we go back and review our hows and whys? i don’t have the answer just yet but restlessness is building and as mindfulness returns to me a sense of calm, a break from feeling behind. a break from feeling as if i’m failing at some unknown. i can breathe slow. i can sit with my thoughts as they continually prance in and out of view. otherwise, i am their mercy. from this, a semblance of a clue peeks out at me….

what do you want nai.
what do you want?

something to fight for

i’m aware of some good “life-strategies”. a few healthy practices. the value of my support circle.  but what i’m searching for isn’t another strategy in order to replace one that isn’t working. i want increased awareness moment to moment to allow for better decision making. more minutes present vs autopilot.

the idea here isn’t to fully do away with autopilot mode, it’s useful. being in flow, for example, seems closely related to the phenomenon of constant unfolding thought. the issue is that most thoughts are erratic, rising and roaring forth from the void that is the unconscious.  i can’t control that torrid but i would like to practice waking from it more often. allowing for more points during the day, during my life, to reposition myself. mindfulness is key. i don’t need to “know” more, i need more moments where i can recall that i am separate from my thoughts. after all, they are in part simply the sounds of the city, memories that unfold “at random”, and millions of year of evolution whispering into my ear whenever it pleases. and most days i’m unaware that “i” didn’t make an appearance at all..