pain

today the drone went down. it’s hard to talk about.

i had already shot the most difficult portion of the footage and a small wig out at the end sent the drone crashing down.

it’s just a tool. it’s just a tool.

this burn hurts though. another reminder i won’t always have access. make the most of what i have WHILE i have it.

lost. MY DRONE

gained. NEW MONITOR FROM MY FRIEND AND FIGURINES FOR POSING.  use what i have. both the lessons and current tools.

the plan

i’m going to practice writing/claiming an idea. then doing it.

here’s the skeleton of one.
to coziest by asap mob (musica)

1. drone overhead following me running (at night?) there’s also text here.
2. all the books i’m reading now on long cloths. these columns of cloth circle me. i lower to the ground. camera switches to my pov and the books conveyer-belt away from me. that’s a close up so viewers can get an idea of the books. prob semi slo-mo.
3. there’s also text here.
4. when i’m fully lowered to the ground. close up of my face. i put my left hand over the left side of my face. i move my hand to the left to reveal me jogging again. split screen jogging, otherside still shows the close up of my face.
5. all black
6. there’s also text here.

fin.

let’s see what manifests.
this is the raw.

so thankful for this blog.

i needed yesterday’s post to do this post.
what a rush. the swell of pride that i’m getting another creative rep in. but holy fucking shit was it hard as hell to get here!

every time my brain nominated the idea two things popped up Real Quick:      what are you even going to write about?
what else can i do now?

what a missed opportunity that would have been.
ugh.
 and man was i close. so close. i was going to put on some headphones and rage in my living room. instead, i pushed through and touched this keyboard.  i can jump RIGHT after. after.

after. 

so here we are.
with an additional lesson.
knowledge must be practiced and applied without exception. or it will fade and atrophy.

thank you universe. love you all.
oh and it’s thanksgiving. i’m thankful for S.T.A.M.P.E [see this post if you’re confuzzled]
anywhoo. thankful for two things in particular.
got a new (well…new for me) monitor from a close friend today. took me from a 22″ to a 27″

life-changing.

and my dad. we had a nice dinner today. candid convo. and bridged whole new point of connection. okay world. till tomorrow.

the delay.

procrastination. the delay. the “imma get there soon.” the “in a few more hours.” the “should i set up a rule around this?” it’s tough. is it tough? once i open up premiere pro and i’m in it, i’m flowing. once i start typing this entry, i’m flowing. but the road here. the leadup…holy fuck do i fall often. often and hard. and worse yet– I KNOW BETTER!

the doing always feels better.

and yet… whether in work, play (art in this case), relationship… that reach before i’m engaged. that DIP. it swallows me up 8 times out of 10. i delay this post. then a meeting pops up. then mom needs something. then it’s 2230 and i remember i need to do x, y, and z–and boom. no blog. and that momentum builds. the momentum of NOT getting things done. the momentum of putting things off. perhaps most detrimental…. the habit of falling short of the vision i have for me is accepted. practiced. repeated. day in. day out. day in. day out. day in. day out. those strokes. those reps. those could have been creative reps. moments where i calloused my mind and did it anyway. FUCK EMOTION. i do it anyway. i do it anyway. i do it anyway. and do you know what that habit ends up looking like?

i don’t like to start but once i do, i enjoy it. and so i–

do.
it.
anyway.

so nai. seriously. let’s cross.
let’s go to the side of: think it, say it, do it, enjoy it.
leave behind the realm of, “oh this will destroy my relationship with x” or “i don’t want to create this obligatory compulsion with y.”

yes.

yes i do.
because i know what happens when i don’t.

love u universe.
~naii

 

what is this blog about?

it’s a little difficult to decide. ultimately i guess there’s no “getting it wrong” no, “fucking this up”. but i do want to have an objective, a goal, a something… how then does this differ from my personal journal entries? should it? does it have to?

as i write this i’m reminded of the title of this blog, “nai guy’s daily blog” (which as of typing on 11/20/18 at 1054, actually says “nai guy’s daily vlog“…smh).  so i’ve already decided. it’s just daily. and as the post prior yammered on about–all the art (is this considered “art”?) i make isn’t always for you, sometimes, often times, it’s for me.  whew.

so that said– today’s struggles eddy around overwhelm.

there are so many silos, so many buckets i need to fill. better financial practices. more social media research and engagement. more time honing my core film skills. making sure i protect and preserve those habits vital to my continued growth (meditation, running, journaling, this, and all the rest of it). reading more– in my book bag at various stages of completion are: This is Marketing by Seth Godin, Think and Grow Rich by Napoleon Hill, Crushing It! by Gary Vaynerchuck, Letters to a Young Poet by Rainer Maria Rilke, Rising Strong by Brene Brown, The Total Money Makeover by Dave Ramsey, and Healthy Gut Healthy You by Micheal Ruscio–WHEW!  setting aside time for loved ones (thanksgiving is in a few days, a bday lunch another day, and a reunion another). not to mention i’m also DP’in on my boy’s short film (shoutout j-cut [insta] [vimeo])–it’s a lot. and i’m sure i left some crucial items off of the list.

but talking here helps. laying it all out helps. knowing what my priorities are helps. so let me share that before diving into today, i have a feeling that will help put things in perspective.  i have an acronym for my priority list: STAMPE.

Sanctums – family, best friends, and main support circles
Temple – my body/health
Art – art
Money – financial awareness, business, etc
People – secondary support circles and humanity as a whole
Everything else – everything else

it’s good to see it all laid out.
and i’m already having a reaction around the things i’ve been neglecting (health…my food choices specifically.)

shoot. after typing this i’m even debating the rank order of some of these categories– on second thought, naaaaa.

anywhoo. this is my stop. i feel a bit more at peace.
so what’s next? right in this moment…? pushing publish on this entry.

as always, thank you.
love you universe.

quitting art.

yes. quitting art.

quitting the false narrative that i’m an artist that makes music for others.
that i ever cared about having my fantasy short stories shared.
that working on “Prime” (a manga i co-created with one of my best friends-link here) was ever really made in earnest to reach millions.

i made those things because the urge to do so was undeniable. the call to collaborate could not be ignored. there is a VERY big part of me that wants to connect, give, provide, grow, share, and live with a tribe, an audience. but i see now that part is not present in MOST of the projects i’ve worked on.

it’s not all selfish though.

tangential to every project i’ve worked i also managed to create this safe, open, creative, candid, and above all HONEST environment.  time and time again. and not only in artistic endeavors but often in work and in my social life. so what’s my point?

i want to bring THAT ETHOS to the forefront.  instead of callling myself an artist and yet moving like a recluse. i’m going to sit in the mirror and embrace the truth.  i most often make art for ME.

the process is electric and uplifting and in many ways doesn’t offer a bridge to the outside world.  there’s no doorbell.  no doorknob for the casual audience member. but there is this other work. the work of leaning back, listening, facilitating, and occasionally contributing. that work i’ve been doing my whole life. and now it’s time to share that process, that community, with the world.  this is a project for YOU.

and for those of u feeling a bit blue-balled, waiting for this trailer to conclude to reveal whatever mysterious form i’ve been alluding to hurry up and fuckin appear already. hang tight.  ^_^

 

much love.
~nai

 

episode 7 on insta
link here.

Dear Me,

I don’t think I’ve ever written one of these, however, the occasion is a rare one.  I’m in pain. The romantic sort. Well I guess that isn’ t so rare. What is rare is that there are no questions to ask.  I’m sure there are things to learn by reflecting on my relationship with my ex: what I could have done better, where I was too harsh, what I should have provided, where I could have been gentler, if only I did X or Y.  

Today isn’t about any of that.  Answering those questions won’t put my heart at ease.  The discomfort and pain I feel aren’t related to the mistakes I made or some possible reality where I could find a way back in.  The woman I love is gone. The relationship I believed in is gone. Our dreams are not the same. That’s all there is to it. Reflecting on lessons learned or not learned in that relationship may help inform my next but running into a new relationship isn’t the solution either.  

What will make me feel whole again.. what will make me feel pride.. what will give me power.. what will turn my bleeding heart into a beating heart are COOKIES.  Big, scary, illusive, long-term mother-fucking-cookies.  You know what I’m talking about (or maybe u dont)—GOGGINS WORK. Cookies are moments of triumph. Completing the truly difficult. That is what will restore me.  So when I’m feeling down. Yearning for my ex’s touch. Entertaining thoughts of drinking, smoking, dreaming, sleeping, or wishing the pain away remember– suffering is a teacher. a guide. a compass. and while both sharing and reflecting are helpful, what i really need to do is SWEAT IT OUT.

Until I’m working out weekly like a beast–I cannot rest.  Until I’m earning money every second–I cannot rest. Until I experiment, discover, and ultimately follow a diet that works for me–I cannot rest.  Until I have great systems and habits for staying connected to friends and family–I cannot rest. Until I’m firing on all cylinders at my 9 to 5–I cannot rest.  Until I have great artwork out in the world–I cannot rest. When all is said and done there is no rest because what I seek are truth and growth, and to be one with those I must constantly move forward.  Romance will undoubtedly sneak back into my life and when it comes knocking, interrupting, and inviting I will follow. I trust I’ll remain sensitive, and admittedly at other times deaf, to love’s calls but above all else, I will be proud of the man I present to the woman I stand before.  

For now, today, I’m not putting enough of my art into the world. I’m bloody and wrought with heartbreak. I’m broke as fuck. I’m $35,421.98 in debt. my gut health is poor–shoutout healthyGutHealthyYou–link here. I’m not firing on all cylinders at work. I’m not in the physical shape I want to be in nor taking part in the rigorous physical challenges I’m drawn to. and I’m not putting out the art I want to share with the world (yes. I listed this twice). I’ve gone through significant heartache in this past relationship around my birthday last year, and of course with the finale as of two days ago, once more my birthday brings dark tidings.  The road to 30 has been a fucking awesome ride and I’m so GRATEFUL for all the dope shit that’s happened but I have a ton of fucking work to do and the gift of the rest of my life to do it. Time to grind. Peace.

And oh yea. Post this shit publically. Hold yourself accountable.  Tag all your idols and run. It’s me vs me and all excuses have expired.  I love you universe. Let’s get it.