this daily blog. the weely vlog. my 9 to 5. the list isn’t too long but there are a few things i’ve signed up to do no matter what. there’s a little wiggle built in via sick days and family emergencies but overall no matter my mood, no matter my state i MUST show up. and oddly enough the things that i tend to really stick to REGARDLESS of circumstances are the things involving others. accountability outside of myself. an act of sevice. on the days i feel weak i should ask— who am i serving? who have a promised to help? who will be hurt by my withdrawal. and if the answer is me then i probably need to commit to something else. something larger than me.
love you universe.
so yesterday marks the third post i missed. first lateness popped up because i hit snooze when it came to writing—remembered around 12am and submitted 30 mins late. second was a snooze then forget. third was a snooze then forget. so clearly snoozing is the problem.
think it. do it. or lose.
it’s wierd. the balance between social life, the 9-5, family, hobbies vs my creative pursuits. i know one informs the other. i know there is no truly separating the two. and there seems to be this happy medium, this zone where shit works out. single or in relationship, a point where i’m not too focused on dating or my partner but i’m also not completely starved intimacy-wise.
there seems to be some sweet spot between drinking with the fellas every now and again and full on rage fests at the expense of creative reps.
there seems to me that there exists some happy medium where hanging with the famo or friends is both refreshing and rejuvenating as an experience opposed to other moments, where it feels like obligation and fear overrode a creative rep or two that should have taken priority.
my dilemma is not THAT these pulls in opposite directions exist but HOW they should be approached. do i begin malnourished and slowly add back or go all in and slowly peel away at the layers. the former seems like the obvious choice but even so reveals to me a different issue entirely. how do i know when i’ve struck balance? is the absence of creative angst? (if such a thing is even possible…) is it in healthy feedback from other parties?
hm. perhaps it’s a combination of journaling & meditation. i don’t have a rubric but i can check in and ask myself something simple: how do i feel about the choices i’ve been making.
love you universe.
for the second time i missed a post. the first miss was a “late by 30 mins moment.” this fumble was me sitting down to write (twice), getting distracted, and afterward just straight up forgetting to come back to the table. there was some avoidant behavior i admit but i didn’t feel overwhelm. i didn’t feel like the task was beyond me. i just kept thinking, “i’ll get to that later.”
later never arrived.
another reminder. time is not infinite. opportunity is not infinite. there is always opportunity in life as a whole but on the micro, in the specific, there are windows that open and close. i missed an opportunity to build credibility with myself. i missed an opportunity to put another creative rep in the bank that i could count on and draw a deeper sense of self-worth from. i won’t beat myself up over it but i will acknowledge it. there is more value in my daily blogging practice than the majority of things i chose to prioritize above writing an entry yesterday. those things were easier. those other choices were available. every other choice i made in lieu of starting the first sentence of my would be entry was based on comfort. it was more comfortable to do something else. what can i show for it now? and there-in lies the lesson once more. as jocko would say, “discipline equal freedom.”
burn this deep nai. practice it.
remember the delay and that later never arrived
as always, thank you universe– love you.
something has been on my mind lately.
doubt and it’s relation to self sabotage.
doubt is somewhat warrented in the early stages. it breeds a healthy skepticism. it triggers a responsible set of questions and inspires moments of reflection but doubt during the STRIKE! doubt as the curtain lifts… doubt before i push publish, that’s something different..
if i’ve done my homework. if i’ve practiced. if i’ve been showing up and getting my creative reps in then FUCK doubt and in it’s place let confidence stand. confidence comes from experience. and if i’ve stacked the proper experiences i believe necessary (accurate or na) i should be confident. so i welcome doubt but fuck doubt as the shot clocks winds down. in those final seconds, confidence will lead the way.
this concept is a new one for me. i’ve heard it in many forms. it’s about the process not the goal. practice daily. don’t tie my sense of self-worth to each thing i make. but none of that really hit home before now.
i still find myself placing SUCH WORTH on each transaction.
it’s paralyzing. with such a mindset, everything matters. every step is an inch forward in some grand procession where no mistakes are allowed and destiny’s condescending gaze sits regally perched on a pedestal. and what’s the trade-off you ask…..?
a creative rep.
- getting better at the thing that drew me in in the first place.
- benefitting from another lesson on the tail end of a “failure.”
- nullifying resistance’s song. that tune on loop that whispers: i’m not good enough. it’s not meant to be. maybe head in a different direction.
any rhetoric other than DO THIS THING I LOVE WITH ATTENTION AND FOCUS EVERYDAY, is bullshit.
WHEN I STACK THOSE CREATIVE REPS, I WILL WAKE UP IN MOTION. I WILL BE THE VERY THING I FOCUSED ON. a creator. because i created.
today i am the man who makes things. tomorrow as well. and proud or not, i must get my creative rep in because THAT is the goal. to be IN PROCESS.
the goal is to be the person that listens to my heart, intuition, feedback, experiences…and then, creates. that’s all i was ever trying to do. missing creative reps gets in the way of that goal. it invites distraction, frayed attention, and loss of direction. get those creative reps in.
love you universe
damn. i technically missed a day.
i’m posting this after the midnight deadline.
don’t let losses erode momentum.
new vlog up despite losing the drone. drone loss changed the flow of the ep and the direction of a few upcoming projects. fuck it. this was always the path. let’s keep rising.
this is episode 008.
today the drone went down. it’s hard to talk about.
i had already shot the most difficult portion of the footage and a small wig out at the end sent the drone crashing down.
it’s just a tool. it’s just a tool.
this burn hurts though. another reminder i won’t always have access. make the most of what i have WHILE i have it.
lost. MY DRONE
gained. NEW MONITOR FROM MY FRIEND AND FIGURINES FOR POSING. use what i have. both the lessons and current tools.
i’m going to practice writing/claiming an idea. then doing it.
here’s the skeleton of one.
to coziest by asap mob (musica)
1. drone overhead following me running (at night?) there’s also text here.
2. all the books i’m reading now on long cloths. these columns of cloth circle me. i lower to the ground. camera switches to my pov and the books conveyer-belt away from me. that’s a close up so viewers can get an idea of the books. prob semi slo-mo.
3. there’s also text here.
4. when i’m fully lowered to the ground. close up of my face. i put my left hand over the left side of my face. i move my hand to the left to reveal me jogging again. split screen jogging, otherside still shows the close up of my face.
5. all black
6. there’s also text here.
let’s see what manifests.
this is the raw.
i needed yesterday’s post to do this post.
what a rush. the swell of pride that i’m getting another creative rep in. but holy fucking shit was it hard as hell to get here!
every time my brain nominated the idea two things popped up Real Quick: what are you even going to write about?
what else can i do now?
what a missed opportunity that would have been.
ugh. and man was i close. so close. i was going to put on some headphones and rage in my living room. instead, i pushed through and touched this keyboard. i can jump RIGHT after. after.
so here we are.
with an additional lesson.
knowledge must be practiced and applied without exception. or it will fade and atrophy.
thank you universe. love you all.
oh and it’s thanksgiving. i’m thankful for S.T.A.M.P.E [see this post if you’re confuzzled]
anywhoo. thankful for two things in particular.
got a new (well…new for me) monitor from a close friend today. took me from a 22″ to a 27″
and my dad. we had a nice dinner today. candid convo. and bridged whole new point of connection. okay world. till tomorrow.