i am dedicated to swimming upstream. i’ve been laying the bricks. and for the first time, i have a row. and a row atop that. i believe. i can appreciate how rare momentum is. this blog shows that much and i’m thankful for that too. this will be a much longer run. i’m looking forward to the cold. the drowning feeling. there are so many ups and downs. and i’m willing to give up more than ever to sail. i know this now because i’ve finally begun to let go, and begin.
love you universe
there’s something special about not seeing a moment. chiseling. and then seeing a moment. i feel that now in the edit. and what a thrilling rush it is. impatience, it appears, has been robbing me blind
it feels right. feels cozy. no big announcements or commitments accompany this entry. i won’t fight the natural. GTD (Getting things done: the art of stress-free productivity by david allen) is here; a little under a year’s worth of experience from break-up, to goggins, to break-up, to goggins, hedonism off and on, and the rattling of my stable full-time gig all came to pass. hello world. you are wide, wonderous, wise, and unwavering. as am i.
love you universe
i missed one. pure memory. >_<
i have a daily alarm set at 2200 to check but i suppose an am reminder would do some good as well. done!
scratch scratch. poke poke.
this thing still on?
i met my objective for today– i worked on Heartbeat.
the list of things on my mind extends far beyond that but that isn’t the point of this post.
so… to my anxious, confused, mean, and selfish brain… objective achieved. thank you for your service. please hold the overwhelm and judgment.
my usual strategy for overwhelm is to run the clock. to exit the game. to stop playing. to let the buzzer wail as anxious thoughts eddy about me. this let the pieces fall where they may, hands up in defeat mentality is an attempt to rid myself of desire. rather than leaning into the challenge i release from engagement.
except it doesn’t work.
the desire stays with me. and because i’m not acting that desire mutates into shame, guilt, anxiety, or some other toxic force. the obsession never fades but is instead corrupted and becomes corrosive. this is one of the ways i deal with overwhelm. this particular method isn’t healthy, it is sustainable–though the price is peace is pretty fucking steep, it’s not fulfilling, nor is it productive.
if i take a moment and look through my cookie jar (all my wins) the common denominator is leaning in. getting into bed and wrestling with the challenge at hand. sometimes that’s diving right in, other times that’s scaling up slowly, either way, as always, begin.
love you universe
tony robbins talks about the 6 human needs
the first 4 can yield happiness but fulfillment can only be achieved with the inclusion of the last 2. i haven’t interfaced w/ this material in a really long time but it’s coming up now. how are these needs being met ? are the decisions/vehicles/methods i’m using to meet these needs healthy or unhealthy? which needs am i prioritizing at the moment?
reflect and soak this in nai.
i missed u.
i don’t visit nearly often enough.
today ends w/ u giving me the swerve on the motion tracking i wanted. tbh the motion tracking is fine. but whenever i duplicate files they call point to the same parent source, so if i personalize one call out title they all change! all attempted workarounds have failed. the answer is somewhere out there doe.
i’ve never considered the amount of blogs chase or i have published thus far.
i think i’m at 98 posts, which is kinda cray. i say this to say this, i’m ALWAYS looking, judging, and evaluating my work but if i step back and look at the work i’m NOT eyeing–i’m proud.
the things i eye the most grow the slowest. this ethos is also embedded in gary vee’s document over create.
build. go brick by brick. stop looking all the time.
love you universe
things are in flow. and this time, for once, i’m not just referring to work, freekance, efficiency, romance, or life luck in general. i mean internally. mentally. i guess they have been for awhile. admist the constant future talk and life mapping i’ve been able to maintain an appreciation of and connection to mindfulness.
i don’t always journal or blog. i don’t always jog or get seven hours of sleep. i don’t always reach out to all my love ones or check my finances—all things that are important to me. but i DO meditate for at least 10 mins a day. and even on the rare occasion when i “miss a day” the benefits of daily practice continue to bleed into waking life, nourshing my mind. every so often, every few hours, i lift my head from the constant rage of internal dialogue and simply observe.
i must admit meditation isn’t new to me at all. i’ve had long runs prior but this era is different. the guided meditation with sam harris has pointed my focus in specific directions, nudged me toward the mirror and asked me to “look for my head”—where does the seat of consciousness rest? i’m much more sensitive to the clouds of sensory data that bubble to the surface, unsolicited they roll into view. i’m more comfortable on the tiny raft of consciousness that floats atop the entire universe. thank you for that gift sam.
love u universe