i’m a crazy man.

it’s just like EVERYONE around me saidjust start. you’ll get into flow AND love it. you love doing this KIND OF WORK.

holy fuck.

goddarnshit so much fun!!!!

it’s fucking crazyballs that i was soooooooooooooooooo avoidant. jeezuz fuck. once i just focused on EDITING. it. was. straight. glory. i mean ZERO pain. not to mention it was only a 3.5hr edit–i mean i have been exposed to the footie for a bit now but i really haven’t been thinking about it. shit. perhaps my subconscious has? or was i just hype to edit again? whatever the case i’m DONE with my initial rough cut.  kyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa❤❤❤❤😂. it was so nice poking and plucking at numerous ways to tell the story. nudging the universe before me. it was DA BEST. hah.
oh man.
😁✌🏾i’m dead.

okay and now it’s 0518.. deets tom. or some other time. for now. victory 🙌🏾 i wish i was involved since the beginning on this project.  hm…. well maybe not. i just wish the footage was just coded better. like for real.

i will admit this: i REALLY HATE unorganized or disorganized footage.

a systematic setup means an easy workflow. and that means i can focus on the edit and just the edit. and man does that feel good. i will most definitely study/read up on classic editing styles and adopt all the industry-standard principles at once 😈😁❤💋🐱‍🐉💖


love you world.
bye now..



  • JC bumper
  • schedule days for short film work
  • prepare invoice for brand commercial (small business)
  • prepare shotlist for brand commercial
  • prepare reflection notes for new campaign for client


JC AAR (after action review)

what was supposed to happen?

JC/zooberry/zeus booked me to shoot some footie for a bumper for youtube.  i gave him a raw skeleton: profile view of JC, JC looking down at the cam–music vid style/then rise up, JC walking in his peacoat, quick timelapse of JC setting up. tbh he didn’t really care about the deets. i&  just trusted myself to feel the vibe. if i ended up in trouble i knew i cud fall back on this list… i guess.

what did happen?

the weather was perfect. the forecast said rain until 1400. and thank goodness that was the case. the sky was gray, over time it was chilly but the light ended up being amazeballs. we shot most of it in herald square. once i saw zoo in his peacoat i knew my vision was legit. it matched what i saw in my mind’s eye. i wanted a low-cam feel, classic power shot angled up to his back with the cityscape before him. from there the variations just came naturally. i  thought of several actions i wanted JC to do, both tight and med. i had him point intensely at the camera, fix his hat, straighten his tie, and stretch/lift his arms/eyes closed. he felt goofy at points, and was a bit nervous. he confessed at points he wondered if it was ‘JC’ but  he trusted me. 

he wanted it to all be “my style”

his philosophy in general, like a good lead, is to trust the creatives he hires. it helped that we were legacy friends. this process solidified just how much i enjoy being a shooter. we also shot several sequences in the train station. one of which was a one shot on the osmo mobile. i also got some osmo footie panning around him, the usuals. we wrapped after i shot a bunch of BTS of JC recording two lessons. i filmed from every possible angle i could think of. stood on some chairs. played with slo-mo. we also took a few stills at the end.

what went wrong?

nothing went WRONG per se. but i did run into the same problem i had with the ebony shoot that chase saved me on. i couldn’t imagine many poses to guide him through on the stills end. thus far when handling stills my imagination doesn’t run wild like it does when it comes to film. i need to study models and basic poses. i did think of a few things which was nice.  i’ll need to scheme with swan and chase on how they honed their abilities.

what can i do to improve next time?

still-wise: have a few poses in mind beforehand (obvi dependent on the subject)

film-wise: scout more locations.  we did well at herald sq but didn’t KNOW we’d strike gold there. i knew the city was rich with diff views and if we walked in a diff direction i wonder if i would have found another spot that had such nice framing. probably. but maybe not. better to be sure..

the results?

you’ll see soon but both zoo and i LOVED the raw footie. i’m hype. can’t wait to work on these.


love you universe


slow work

today was slow work. trying to sync audio and video with no reference track—brutal. btw, it’s still not perfect.

but i worked.

tomorrow i will keep working. i’ll take breaks to talk to friends. i’ll do another job or two in between. then i’ll get back to work. i appreciate the opportunity. i’m grateful for the life i have and all the love in it. today was slow work and i don’t think i’d have it any other way.

love u universe.


[late post for 3/8/19, published 3/9/19 0140]

go through it, not around it. experience is left on the table when i avoid combat.

my mentor linked me with a family friend who needed an editor and colorist. she’s early in her career and talented. we decided to meet at 11am. i woke up to a call from my boss at 1100. normal nai would charm his was around the meeting. slide it to another day or exit the endeavor entirely— today i decided to go through it. i told her i woke up late, was willing to uber if she didn’t mind waiting, and that i was supra sorry for the fuck up. BEST DECISION. we connected. great vibes. and i believe we can really help one another.

after that i linked with a client. surveyed an upcoming site. networked with other creatives also involved. another win.

throughout the day my 9-5 was hittingmeup. normally i’d avoid it and use charm to heal the damage later. nope. not today. i picked up. i went through it. another swish.

where shame and anxiety would hover there is pride and experience.

daily goggins has been transformed into objectives linked to purpose.

so, what’s on the list?


  1. promo video for media company (editor/cinematographer/director)
  2. “heartbeat” short film (editor/colorist)
  3. event photography gig
  4. bumber for JC (editor/cinematographer)
  5. wedding (editor/cinematographer)
  6. music video (director/editor/cinematographer)

conversation series

candids (aka vlog)

promo arists in my circle (insta stories + small clips)


love u universe


the next level

life is a lot of learning the same lessons again and again. recognizing old patterns that seem to derive endless pleasure donning different masks.

today i’m lucky. a few classic lessons have landed on my tongue and whilst the taste is familiar, there’s a tad more nourishment this time around.

  • stop smoking i was on the no smoking wave for a while and then life intervened.  2 cups emotional turmoil, 1 student loan debt reminder, and a 1/4lb of free weed later, and boom.  all inertia built while abstinent–fully dissipated.  and weed isn’t a bad thing, it’s just happens to be running rampant. completely unchecked.  and (for me) when weed reigns unabashedly it boosts some of my worst drives: apathy and complacency.  it allows me vaca away from the turmoil of stagnation without any of the work required to exit. this morning i tossed the remainder of my cartridge out (it had a good 9% left) and the day went by just fine. in fact, i went extra hard at doing much of the “blah” or “annoying” tasks i’d been avoiding over the past week.  however as the day wore on, that zest and will power began to diminish.  how the fuck am i supposed to cold turkey this bitch? then i remembered how i did it last time– CBD oil. for those of you that don’t know, that’s THC–the main element in weed, without any of the psychoactive elements. this satisfies my oral fixation WITHOUT changing my mental state.  this forces me to remain in the present.  which in turn pushes me to work buuuuuuuuuuut throughout, whenever i want to smoke i can hit a pen that won’t get me high! last time i did CBD for about a month before doing away with smoking entirely. the main win?  i never slipped up and smoked weed weed during this phase.
  • listen to dark nai i trust most of us have some form of inner dialogue in our heads.  in many cases the voice that chastises us is the amalgamation of 100s of voices over the years. those judgmental comments from mom and dad.  the papercuts and soul stabs left in the wake of classmates, friends, bullies, actors in movies, etc…they’ve all contributed to some variation of, “you’re weird/inadequate/overbearing/insignificant in x, y, and z ways.” and subconsciously that shit sticks with us.  however, among those voices, there’s our voice. that thing that hopes. that dares to dream. that what if. my “what if” voice is really dark. his standards for greatness are enormous. and the pressure at that altitude is tremendous. such concentrated ambition is why i keep the door between he and i sealed.  if we’re being real, it’s dark nai’s ambition AND the hope in my mentor’s eyes that intertwine to form the noose i most often hang myself with–overwhelm and inaction.  however dark nai can be flipped… USED instead of FEARED.  wild i didn’t see this until now but this is what goggins does when he pulls deep. he talks TO himself. currently i numb dark nai through liquor and weed. instead, as i continue to try and push forward i can draw upon his strength and evolve. i can coach myself the same way i do others. with a clearer mind, i can do this. it won’t ALWAYS work but (sober) i have faith it will work more times than not. tough love is very effective, especially when there’s nowhere to run.  i must sit and tea with the inner ambition and disappointment that haunts me.  once aligned in purpose, we can walk forward together hand-in-hand. in short, allow the “tough unrelenting part of me” (aka dark nai) to hit me with that tough love. combine this with a clear mind, scaled down objectives, and a stronger sense of purpose and we’re cooking with fire baby!
  • be transparent,  connect, add value, share my art for most of my life, if not all of it, understanding this portion of my being has proved a real bitch. i feel great empathy/love for humans. in the same breath, i also loathe our propensity for self-harm/neglect as well as our tendency to defer to the constant pull of our egocentric nature.  i sense it in myself and others.  and young nai used this as a rationale to let the chips fall where they may.  i’ve seen a world of good done by amazing people, i’ve been lucky enough to be shielded from some bad experiences, and i’ve also seen those same “kind and loving people” muted by an indifferent universe. this position primed me for apathy.  now to be clear this paradigm no longer blankets my view of the world BUUUT it did for many years–how i crawled out from this is a loooong story for another post, but long tale medium, while a part of me is pulled to love and expression another part is awash with a deep sense of banality.  from the corridors of my soul there’s always that whisper, can i really tip the scales? [enter dark nai, who ALWAYS believed we could. who always knew suffering and sacrifice would be involved and i was just too chicken shit to play ball] but i have been able to shake this BELIEF over the years. there were parts of me that did shine. moments of love and connection that did bubble up. and they always centered around my love of TRUTH, however harsh, that’s where the transparency aspect comes in. at the moment i don’t have it all down. i don’t have the answers sway! but i do want to find them together.

so this is one element missing from the work i’m doing– an open dialgoue with my audience.

as i stumble forward, do so openly. call upon the help of others. let’s figure it out together. that’s what the conversation series is about, connection. podcasts aren’t revolutionary. their heyday is here and i don’t see this series breaking the matrix. but this is about connection. open dialogue is how i’ve built most, if not, every meaningful bond in my life. i must honor this and continue to find ways to add value to people’s life. i do that now on a one-to-one level, this series is an attempt at scaling or at the very least, increasing the frequency of this phenomenon. to remain committed it’s really important that the work i do: connection and transparency lead to art. sometimes i doubt the value of this contribution because of my old almost nihilistic mindset. however, it’s on me to keep the fire of dark nai alive and burning. if only 4% of his will is realized, comparatively, that’s a very fulfilling life! and i want him to get 100%. aka i want to get to 100%!


so what the fuck does all of this have to do with the conversation series? all the content in my channel will now roll into three categories:

  1. conversation series: sit down and pow-wow with interesting peeps/artists/humans. keep experimenting with format. build a community that holds space for one another. bind the diff people in my life together. invite others to join. learn from the process. collab w/ artists involved. experiment with splicing some narrative elements into this? brainstorm on mixing diff guests. play with the idea of having a conversation AND making something with each artist (season 2?)ep 000 jon – short (we’ll think of something)
    ep 001 zoo – courage diaries reboot
    ep 002 chase – we’ll think of something dope
    ep 003 swan – 7 deadly sins (vid portion…combine w/ chase photo portion?)….maybe a whole new concept??
    ep 004 zoo pt 2 – mini JC piece
    ep 005 vic – skate/comedy vid?
  2. portfolio: showcase all the work i’m doing in the freelance world. feature the work of other artists on my page.
  3. transparent convos/vlogs: talk directly to my audiences on each platform about stumbling through the process. share thoughts from other friends/arists/creators on the same issues i talk about


calm mind

holy fuck nuggets. i was really buzzing off gear-lust/ronin-s hunger yesterday. so as per usual i fielded the idea across the sanctum and that shit was shot the fuck down.

  • rule of 3 – old law i devised w/ qaz. can’t buy equipment/anything unless the NEED arises three times. this prevents poor one-time or imagined rationalizations around how much something is “needed.” if something is really vital then it should take no time at all to hit this threshold and in turn legitimize the request.
  • cash/income flow from gigs – got this idea from stitching together separate convos between chase and qazi but they essentially eddy around the same point. if i’m not making any money i shouldn’t be spending any money. i don’t have to be in the black nor does the next gig have to cover the entire purchase but there should be a stream of income. i’m already pretty much check-to-checking my current life flow so taking out of that for a business that isn’t generating any income isn’t smart.
  • patience – i’m always being talked at about patience… and boy do i hate hearing about it but the truth is i’ve gone several months without touching the glidecam, therefore, how dire is it that i acquire a stabilizer RIGHT NOW. before yesterday’s post i was perfectly content with (a now useless) glidecam…so why do i HAVE to HAVE a functioning ronin-s today?
  • hustle somewhere else – another chase suggestion. get the cash from another stream. get the ronin-s. then go back for the video/gig money…

all in all, i will stay my hand. i’ll earn it the right way and push forward on every other front in the meantime.  2 months max though!!! after that i’m using my tax refund and my old ways. i kid. i kid…. sorta 😅

DOUBLE POST: “balanced” decision-making

awwwww snaps. i thought i had this one solved but alas i do not. btw, shoutout my second double post. i made a resolution not to stockpile posts and instead ferry them out as inspiration hits. why? because this habit is meant to be DAILY. the only time i can see myself baking a post for future release is if i’m on vacation and will be away from the interwebs, otherwise, i’ll be here. shipping. everyday. every. single. day.

long debacle mini– i currently own a glidecam 2000. for those of you who don’t know what the hell i’m talking about it’s a non-motorized gimble aka it’s helps me get smooth shots. if that was still too tecky, it’s a handheld device that helps stabilize my shots so they don’t look “handheld.”  now for context, this was one of THE FIRST pieces of equipment i purchased for my camera. a few of my mentors use/used it and it’s been behind some dope works. now– like my drone is sat around for AWHILE. i was lost at sea and all my tools were gathering dust. slowly as i rose from my stupor i began activating those nodes. the drone–though currently out for repairs, is back in play. and now that i’m messing w/ the glidecam i’m becoming aware of a few disheartening facts.

glidecam is dope. but it works based on weight. it’s weighted at the bottom to offset the weight at the top. problem is my camera is SUPRA LIGHT. it’s a micro four-thirds mirrorless. and only one of it’s lenses is even “kinda” hefty. and i love her for that reason (rory is her name. yeah. like from gilmore girls. that’s neither here nor there but i fucking love that show– way ahead of it’s time. i never finished it but–ok. let me stop here.) so long story medium, rory even with a mic on her head is still too light!! i can reduce the weight on the bottom but even then it’s iffy and if there’s ANY wind out, the gimble fails. additional weight at the bottom of the glidecam would make for better wind resistance but rory isn’t heavy enough to counter it.  i never noticed all my mentors had heavier camera bodies. mirrorless was still newish then and though weight was mentioned (get the glidecam 2000 over the glidecam 4000–the 4000 is for even heavier camera bodies) no-one factored for mirror-less cameras, which again, are crazy light.

enter my dilemma. i’ve been holding off on getting a ronin-s, here’s the non-geek breakdown on that. the ronin-s is motorized gimble that you pop your camera into and it does all the stabilization work for you. drawbacks– issa little pricey and sometimes the shots look “robotic” vs the slightly more human touch that the glidecam has. a very nuanced issue. most hummies alive won’t be able to tell the difference.  whew. anywhoo. now i’m at this wierd crossroads. i don’t want to rationalize new purchases, ESPECIALLY since no cash is flowing in FROM gigs at the moment buuuuuuuuuuuuut i really want stabilization for some of the work i’m doing.

ronin-s goes for $749. i just missed a killer $200 sale/coupon combo. w/e i can’t help that. and to do it i’d just pretty much burn a check. suffer like a fresh catch pulled ashore while i pull back from all manners of spending. 90%, shit tbh, 100% of the gig that are currently in the pipeline requires stabilization, hence renewed zeal around glidecam training. but the glidecam is falling short of delivery the goods….

oh my, oh my..
what is a lost shooter to do…

love you universe


the urge to begin this post with, “i’m constantly reminded…” was very high. except this lesson does not visit me often.  it’s presence, when clear and salient enough to penetrate my rote programming is always profound and always short lived.


this morning i woke up and the same onerous stench of responsibility and obligation was already knawing at my heels: yesterday’s treatment.  i’m aware enough to know the immense value of pre-production–really ANY kind of preparation in general isn’t up for debate. every mentor, idol, shit…every experience i’ve had regarding the matter confirms the truth that proper preparation is at the core of nearly every good outcome. and yet, my eyes roll at the idea. i REAAAAALLLY didn’t want to do it for a number of reasons, the loudest being that it forces me to enter a zone of creativity and hard work without any of the immediate gratification that i enjoy. to be specific whenever I DP or assist on any project I’m afforded the privilege of syncing with the lead creative on the project, enhancing their vision, bringing my energy to the set, adding my touch to the work itself, and walking away. there’s no organizational component. no contract negotiations. any calibration, planning, or coordination is very close to the action. don’t get me wrong– i LOVE a good brainstorming session–shooting ideas back and forth. etching and brushing away the soot, debris, and junk until we get at the core of an idea.  volleying concepts back and forth until some sweet creative gem is realized. none of that feel like work to me. in fact, the brainstorming phase is one of the most gratifying stages. stretching, reaching, collaborating until something really moving finally unfurls. then on the day of execution, we go out and try to capture the beast knowing along the way that we too will be shaped by the pursuit. it’s fucking awesome.

but there’s another stage. one i usually slink past and do my best to avoid: pre-production. the prep work after the idea has been identified. the intense labor that occurs after the nugget is discovered and right before we all break camp and leave homebase to begin the hunt. all the arranging, coordinating, and vital planning required to makes sure we don’t show up to battle without any arrows and eight different ideas about how we’re going to slay the beast.

so i avoid it. and as a result this severely handicaps my range of creative expression.  taking the path of least resistance always does. in my heart i just want to: roll on set, rehearse the game plan, shoot, then leap.  but now i have goggins’ voice in my head. chase. zeus. the slew of mentors who are staring at me–this potential in stasis. floating. lollygagging.

their voices.. my passion–they’re all behind me. even with their support my hand hesitates to turn the knob and walk through the door. we all want that. we’re all waiting. i’m dying for it. but they can’t do it for me. they can’t want it for me.  and the requirement to pass beneath that archway is discomfort. bravery. a different choice. leaning into resistance. i’ve always known inside suffering, pain, and discomfort is growth. fulfillment and ease are rarely ever aligned.

this morning while talking to zoo i expressed my disdain towards my impending obligation. i understood it’s necessity. the benefits. but the only desire i had was to show up to shoot. to play.  and at some point it became clear these are the same reasons i’ve been resistant to building a business around freelance. why i’ve been so slow to experiment. because all of that requires so much more than just showing up in stage 3 or 4 of the creative process. and even if i did design a life that allowed me to be free of all the tasks i find “eh” (e.g securing the client, negotiating the deal, all the work around pre-production, the coordination of all the moving people, parts, and ideas that need to happen before d-day)–would that be fulfilling? shying away from growth…leaving all that potential on the table. choosing to leave the entire journey and the untold story of my evolution to die in some parallel dimension of “maybe” simply due to laziness and addiction to the path of least resistance…

so i pushed. i forged ahead. i struggled for a few hours.. and moments before the deadline materialized, blocks of clay finally fell away and in their wake i saw the vision i’d brainstormed prior typed out before me.  staring right back at me on my monitor was the sculpture i’d been working on. and though it was a total bitch to summon at the end of the process…somehow…i enjoyed it. there was a sense of pride. after our meeting the artist was over the moon. our previous brainstorming sessions were now in written form and now all the various forces that will soon join us now have a plan of action and something to rally around. something i found totally loathsome only hours before had begun to worm and burrow it’s way into my heart.

the perspective that i once held. that i “didn’t enjoy this phase in the creative process.” that it wasn’t in alignment with my nature.. all of that was simply no longer true. just like that. in a moment… my perspective shifted.

so how much of my life am i leaving on the table?  there are so many mountains that have been successful in dissuading me to even ATTEMPT ascending.

no longer.

fear. resistance. any rationale for laziness or tithes to deities of the path of least resistance will no longer be paid. instead these will all serve as beacons. flares in my mind that this is the way forward. so long as my personal core values aren’t called into question–I will chase down that which i dream about but am too scared, “inexperienced”, or lazy to approach. that means you freelance. and all 1001 creative endeavors on the horizon that require more SO much more than just “showing up and shooting.” all of you will be mine. this life will not only be good. it won’t just be fun.  it will continue to be dark, harsh, drenched in struggle and very very fulfilling.

love you universe


[late for 1/12/18, published on 1/13/18 0115]

first treatment

i’m working on my first music video treatment today.
structure is something i lack but benefit from.

the artist and i will have a clear idea of the shots we need and the vibe of the video.
this will help us stay on point and oddly enough allow for even more creativity. we know what shots we NEED to secure which opens us up to explore as opportunities come up.

as i lean further into the process conforming to structure also exposes any inadequacies or missing parts from the video overall.

let’s get it.

[late for 1/10/18, published on 1/11/18 0345]