breathe and begin again.

breathe and begin again. this is a common theme in meditation.  when trying to focus on the breath or on observing feelings we’re often swept up by cloud thoughts. the guidance is usually the same, instead of repudiating or chastising yourself for catching floating down the thought-stream, simply breathe and begin again.

as i write this. right now as i sit, breathe, and begin again… what am i connecting to?  what am i beginning or reconnecting with?  Impulse ushers my habit/cloud thoughts toward daily(s)/weekly(s) and but riiiiight before plunging in, i was reminded of something chase said that really stuck out to me…

“i think you’ve been journaling [outside of the blog] about things other than just the daily(s) and i think your daily(s) and just your struggle with doing them has been a big prominent theme in your life and i respect that. and it is something that should be at the forefront of what you’re writing about cuz that’s where your mind is at and that’s the overwhelming theme of what you’re dealing with and going through. sort of, engineering your life into this next phase. but i would also say maybe more posts about other stuff going on in your life would be great. beyond just the daily(s) themselves. daily(s) for the sake of daily(s). maybe it’s about….”

i’ve been so focused on pushing to the next evolution and that push aka daily(s)/weekly(s) have become the LOUDEST voice in the room. and sometimes that’s okay. i need that focus. that intent. i really must practice zeroing in on my week, and my day, and battle to remain conscious.  if i don’t stay on top of things the path of least resistance will bind me.  but that said, i’m forging this “being” for a purpose: to be a conduit for my dreams. my imagination. to continue to connect, grow, inspire, love, dream, heal– all of it. 

zoo encouraged me to think about the value i enjoy bringing in life– and to be honest, much of my fulfillment surrounds building up the people in my life. near and far. old and new.  and during this process, every now and again, there’s a spark. some mutual creative desire begins to germinate and from this, a collaborative effort is born.  that’s what i’m training for.  i want to share and learn.  i bring no specific expertise to all of the people connected to me but there is something wonderful and valuable that comes from the connection itself. the conversation series aims to capture and share that. it’s the work i’ve been doing my whole life for free and out of love. it’s hardly a choice.

it’s a place where i can really offer something to my guests and (eventually, once the kinks are worked out) offer something to any listeners. over time it will offer many people exposure as it evolves to mirror the cross-pollination that is my life. the desire to do this is so fucking loud. a part of me always feels i can be doing so much more for others. and snoozing that call has only emboldened it.  it’s almost as if until i lean into doing this work i’m cut off from my other ideas. it’s reached the point where the dialogue in my head is that some of the doors i need to walk through necessarily involve working with and meeting people through the conversation series. accurate or not, it seems all roads desire-wise seek to push me to become radically more accessible than i am currently. and now i hear it…

in the silence of my heart, there’s this fear.. this fear of being drained, lost, and martyred. while i’ve been nurtured and loved by various mentors and beautiful humans over the years i’ve also seen them suffer. and aside from the fact that all people suffer, experiecning that has definitely made me cautious.  and whatever rationalized fear of success, or more accurately, whatever fear of CHANGE that has barred my path…the desire to connect and serve has filled my heart quite some time ago. i must let it live opposed to muting and snoozing it.

having this realization drop through to the very center of my attention has been a great gift. today it’s what i’m reaching out and connecting to as i breathe and begin again.  my aspirations content-wise have become clearer.  i must do and share online what i do in private in my conversation: go first, be vulnerable, listen, and be true to whomever i’m engaged with.  over the course of the day i’m going to reflect on, and imagine, what this looks like, how it feels, and who it will serve.

learning this about myself gets me all sorts of excited when i think about the possibilities of deaf&mumbles 💕 but that’s a topic for another day.

in other life news (freelance)
i have one freelance gig in the pipeline– shooting some testimonials for a medical firm (i’m actually excited for this. cash + a chance to practice some basic storytelling)

possible wedding (i’ll find out more once i text my cousin back)

this friday i’m doing a walkthrough of a space chase and i will be shooting in march

-love you universe

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