reconnect

the more strategic and in my head i get the less war-ready i am. that’s in part why i’m so plan-averse. and i knoooooooow we’ve beat this horse to death but until i’m exectuting properly— we’re at this level.

so when i say “being strategic makes me less war-ready” i don’t  mean that the act of preparation has weakened me but that SWITCHING GEARS from plan mode to action mode is hard for me. in my mind, when i’m goggins’d-out and ready to launch into action i’m totally divorced from the big picture—i’m only concerned with the next strike. i’m obsessed. i’m focused. i imagine this is a common experience, especially for those who do plan. i doubt my “expert planners” are in planmode while running the field during game day. but internally i see a hickup..a flaw in my patterns. i NEVER want to enter plan mode, and when i do, it feels as if my efforts should count as ALREADY having “done the thing”.  for example, if i spend 30 mins planning tomorrow or working on a treatment it registers in my brain as having done the thing. the same is true if i never enter plan mode and begin a task— if i’m forced to stop or pause before the task’s completion— my brain logs this too as having done the thing. so i guess the real issue here has less to do with switching from planning to action modes (whether that switch happens mins, hours, or days apart) the struggle is that my mind is lazy. it wants to open “the door” (meaning the project, the task, the daily, the obligation, etc) ONLY ONCE. and from there it’s attached to this idea, this habit, this hope that it’s over. my brain and i are all about—“when will it be over?”  it sees simply beginning or engaging with a goal or challenge for a bit (not FINISHING it) as “effort.”  then i get to “get back to me” or think “my time is mine again.”

this is the true fuckup… this idea that whenever i’m not sitting down with freetime and zero obligation that  i’m WORKING or SUFFERING. that doing “nothing’ is freedom..

this couldn’t be further from the truth given that most of the things i’m wrapped up in (aside from my 9 to 5) i elected to do. i WANT to participate in.  i’ve poorly wired my brain and now i have to make some upgrades.  i felt the raw power of a strong WHY during week 1 and 2 of daily(s).  now that i have more room to play given the “get out of jail-free card” that going to bed by 2300 presents, old habits have snuck back in.  because missing daily(s) are allowed if sleep is threatened then why not also miss a few due to procrastination? that’s effectively what my brain’s been rationalizing.

i want to repect the sleep rule WHILE trying my best to do every single daily. to do that i need to remember my WHY in every moment. otherwise i’ll simply snooze my daily(s) and accept “the loss” once my 2300 alarm goes the off.. however, when i’m in touch with my why… post meditation.. post journal.. when things are quiet. its easy to perform. vs when i’m buzzing with energy late at night or looking at a bunch of undone daily(s) at 2250— at that point i’m so disconnected from my truth. i forget my why. the past two night’s have been like that. the unspoken logic is, if i can’t get 100% why try at all? i’m not putting forth my best effort because i’m convinced i’ll fall short anyway. and though this next portion always goes unspoken, inner nai believes it’s better to not care or half-heartedly try than to lose bleeding and hoping. that’s what’s at the core of my complacency.  finally i can sit and have tea with that code.

in most cases i’m more afraid than hungry and that determines my action.

the past two nights i’ve been more afraid of NEVER hitting 100% daily(s) according to plan THAN i’ve been clawing at my best with the inner desire/hope/belief that i’m capable and getting closer every day. and of course i BELIEVE it’s possible. that’s why i’m doing it.  my entire life i’ve been straddled by visions. the call has been all consuming and defeaning. different habits, different practices, different beliefs…. if applied, hold so much fulfillment and self-actualization on the otherside of that door. life will remain ambiguous and forever challenging but i’ll be more connected to me. to the people i care about. to the projects i care about if i go for it 100%.

love you universe

~nai

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