ressurection

i didn’t see it before but i’m gone…
and new nai? post daily(s) nai? is here.

truth be told,  current “me”, daily(s) “me” was crushed the fuck out last week.  some of that loss was due to legit miscalculation, another portion simply path of least resistance fumbles (e.g. as i began to miss some daily(s) i got comfortable with the feeling and so on and so on), and some part of me was simply lost.  and that freefall of despair returned me to my old buddies: paralysis and complacency.

it’s important that i mention that i got a cold sore about two days ago. i don’t “know” why but i have some good suspicions. (1) i haven’t been sleeping well (2) i haven’t been sleeping well (3) i’ve been drinking and not sleeping well (4) i haven’t been taking valacyclovir (valtrex) daily as recommended. i was of the mindset that my liver (kidneys? both?) would be taking extra damage as a result of taking this “medication” every day. but i know people who take it and their “fine”, who knows 😂, nevertheless clearly i’m in the group of people who get outbreaks too often so i must experiment with other means.  still, i struggle because an EVEN LARGER part of me is convinced with increased immune health through diet and sleep i’d perform waaaaay better without any assistance from medication. at this point who knows but i can’t continue to be inconsistent about diet/sleep aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand not take valtrex–dumb move (4) i’ve been stressed about missing daily(s), this leads to outbreaks.

one of the reasons i’m stressed about daily(s) is because i keep bouncing back and forth between prioritizing SLEEP vs COMPLETING ALL MY DAILY(S). it’s tough for me because missing daily(s) leads to a breakdown in consistency that i don’t like. and for those of you who don’t know what i’m talking about here’s the scenario: it’s 2000 and i have 3 hours worth of stuff to do but my power down ritual begins at 2145 which is necessary for a 2300 bedtime. what do i do? well i’ve finally decided. obey the ritual. getting a sliver of action today isn’t worth taking my ENTIRE rhythm off course.  i shouldn’t throw away sleep, so respect it and take the knee. POWER DOWN EVERY NIGHT AT 2145. and if i don’t then i MUST wake up at 0500.  the only exception is if i don’t have a 9 to 5 that day because in that case i can wake up later and with the extra 8 hours still get everything done. so in conclusion:

prioritize TOMORROW over TODAY. if the day is ending, “2145,” and i’m still in the race. call it. tomorrow gives me a fresh start at 0500 to get it ALL DONE. stretching to get more out of a day that’s already ended not only leads to burnout but also compromises my ability to kill the next day, and the day after that, and so on.

  1. daily(s) done or not, if it’s 2145 begin powering down. this gives me the best shot at killing daily(s) for the next day
  2. if it’s past 2145  just go straight to bed whenever possible, if i have work the next day i should still wake up at 0500 UNLESS that means less than 6 hours of sleep. (e.g. i end at 0100, i should sleep until 0600 at LEAST!)
  3. if i go to bed past 2300 and i don’t have my 9 to 5 the next day, get the extra rest but don’t STAY UP LATER trying to do more daily(s)

i have to stick to these rules. this week’s cold sore proves it doesn’t take much to set me off. on this cold sore note.. i should mention, going forward, whenever i DO FALL PREY to this devilish beast this doesn’t warrant my throwing in the towel. i must still show up. i still have to perform. i still need to rock daily(s) and weekly(s). every time i’ve pushed past my insecurity and self-pity (during one of my godawful outbreaks) it’s been worth it. i’m sure every time won’t be positive but that’s not the point, the point is that an outbreak shouldn’t have stopping power.  i’ve EXPERIENCED this phenomenon. i’ve benefitted from getting out of my own head–hold on to this cookie, this insight. it also helps that swan is super supportive (and somewhat seemily unphased) during these times. hell, most (if not all) humans in my life are either supportive or highly empathetic. my concern over MYSELF is the cause of my own misery.

i thought “prioritizing sleep” provided me the opportunity to underperform by offering up sleep as a pathway to dodging daily(s) but EXPERIENTIALLY that’s HASN’T been the case. if i were acutally GOING TO BED no matter what after 2145 and STILL missed daily(s) the next day after a 0500 wake up THEN there would be a case. IN PRACTICE what i’ve been doing is STAYING UP past 2145, not completing daily(s) because i’m thinking “i should go to bed” however i’m still up doing other shit… THEN the next day i’d sleep late because i “didn’t want to get less than 6 hours.” i was in this pattern of feeling “defeat” (over not having finished daily(s) before 2145) ➡ coping with that defeat by staying up late and doing things that make me feel good ➡ waking up late because i didn’t want to feel even worse by depriving my body of rest. this had the added effect of my feeling shame over not only having MISSED daily(s) but (despite my efforts) still having shitty sleep. this compounded my stress. boom cold sore. nai. in order to stop this pattern follow these new rules. hopefully they solve the problem, if not, we’ll keep making adjustments.

daily(s) began to degrade once i got accustomed to missing them. it’s okay to LOSE because of poor planning. failure is a part of life. it’s not okay to make decisions i KNOW will compromise me in the future and shrug my shoulders when things come apart in the present (e.g. it’s 2145 and i tell myself, “just 5 more mins of jumping around to music, etc) RESPECT MY COMMITMENT TO MYSELF. SELF DISCIPLINE IS SELF-MASTERY. SELF-MASTERY IS SELF LOVE. WITH SELF-LOVE I CAN PROVIDE THE MOST FOR EVERYONE IN MY LIFE AND ENJOY FULFILLMENT. i cannot continue to rob myself of this.

daily(s) matter.
my weekly goals matter.
it’s not as simple as missing them. to WILLINGLY miss daily(s) or weekly(s) is to choose the path of least resistance over ME. remember that. i will accept loss but never forfeit.

love you universe
~nai

p.s. i pulled a 0500 today 🙌🏾

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