my oh my.
it’s been a nice day. swan had a shoot, vic rocked with us, and chase shot da whole deal.

it came with several reminders. even as i close in on the convo series chase reminds me that as a human freelance must also exist.  i feel that in my day-to-day. in my moments of defeat. in the moments i rely on vicky. on bruce’s kindness. on my mother’s love. in my heart. in my code. some fuse has blown. the old system won’t work unless i reset it. and i’m not down for the old model.

convo series is number one but i’ll pursue it in tandem to ethical, timely, and quality freelance.

love you universe

the next level

life is a lot of learning the same lessons again and again. recognizing old patterns that seem to derive endless pleasure donning different masks.

today i’m lucky. a few classic lessons have landed on my tongue and whilst the taste is familiar, there’s a tad more nourishment this time around.

  • stop smoking i was on the no smoking wave for a while and then life intervened.  2 cups emotional turmoil, 1 student loan debt reminder, and a 1/4lb of free weed later, and boom.  all inertia built while abstinent–fully dissipated.  and weed isn’t a bad thing, it’s just happens to be running rampant. completely unchecked.  and (for me) when weed reigns unabashedly it boosts some of my worst drives: apathy and complacency.  it allows me vaca away from the turmoil of stagnation without any of the work required to exit. this morning i tossed the remainder of my cartridge out (it had a good 9% left) and the day went by just fine. in fact, i went extra hard at doing much of the “blah” or “annoying” tasks i’d been avoiding over the past week.  however as the day wore on, that zest and will power began to diminish.  how the fuck am i supposed to cold turkey this bitch? then i remembered how i did it last time– CBD oil. for those of you that don’t know, that’s THC–the main element in weed, without any of the psychoactive elements. this satisfies my oral fixation WITHOUT changing my mental state.  this forces me to remain in the present.  which in turn pushes me to work buuuuuuuuuuut throughout, whenever i want to smoke i can hit a pen that won’t get me high! last time i did CBD for about a month before doing away with smoking entirely. the main win?  i never slipped up and smoked weed weed during this phase.
  • listen to dark nai i trust most of us have some form of inner dialogue in our heads.  in many cases the voice that chastises us is the amalgamation of 100s of voices over the years. those judgmental comments from mom and dad.  the papercuts and soul stabs left in the wake of classmates, friends, bullies, actors in movies, etc…they’ve all contributed to some variation of, “you’re weird/inadequate/overbearing/insignificant in x, y, and z ways.” and subconsciously that shit sticks with us.  however, among those voices, there’s our voice. that thing that hopes. that dares to dream. that what if. my “what if” voice is really dark. his standards for greatness are enormous. and the pressure at that altitude is tremendous. such concentrated ambition is why i keep the door between he and i sealed.  if we’re being real, it’s dark nai’s ambition AND the hope in my mentor’s eyes that intertwine to form the noose i most often hang myself with–overwhelm and inaction.  however dark nai can be flipped… USED instead of FEARED.  wild i didn’t see this until now but this is what goggins does when he pulls deep. he talks TO himself. currently i numb dark nai through liquor and weed. instead, as i continue to try and push forward i can draw upon his strength and evolve. i can coach myself the same way i do others. with a clearer mind, i can do this. it won’t ALWAYS work but (sober) i have faith it will work more times than not. tough love is very effective, especially when there’s nowhere to run.  i must sit and tea with the inner ambition and disappointment that haunts me.  once aligned in purpose, we can walk forward together hand-in-hand. in short, allow the “tough unrelenting part of me” (aka dark nai) to hit me with that tough love. combine this with a clear mind, scaled down objectives, and a stronger sense of purpose and we’re cooking with fire baby!
  • be transparent,  connect, add value, share my art for most of my life, if not all of it, understanding this portion of my being has proved a real bitch. i feel great empathy/love for humans. in the same breath, i also loathe our propensity for self-harm/neglect as well as our tendency to defer to the constant pull of our egocentric nature.  i sense it in myself and others.  and young nai used this as a rationale to let the chips fall where they may.  i’ve seen a world of good done by amazing people, i’ve been lucky enough to be shielded from some bad experiences, and i’ve also seen those same “kind and loving people” muted by an indifferent universe. this position primed me for apathy.  now to be clear this paradigm no longer blankets my view of the world BUUUT it did for many years–how i crawled out from this is a loooong story for another post, but long tale medium, while a part of me is pulled to love and expression another part is awash with a deep sense of banality.  from the corridors of my soul there’s always that whisper, can i really tip the scales? [enter dark nai, who ALWAYS believed we could. who always knew suffering and sacrifice would be involved and i was just too chicken shit to play ball] but i have been able to shake this BELIEF over the years. there were parts of me that did shine. moments of love and connection that did bubble up. and they always centered around my love of TRUTH, however harsh, that’s where the transparency aspect comes in. at the moment i don’t have it all down. i don’t have the answers sway! but i do want to find them together.

so this is one element missing from the work i’m doing– an open dialgoue with my audience.

as i stumble forward, do so openly. call upon the help of others. let’s figure it out together. that’s what the conversation series is about, connection. podcasts aren’t revolutionary. their heyday is here and i don’t see this series breaking the matrix. but this is about connection. open dialogue is how i’ve built most, if not, every meaningful bond in my life. i must honor this and continue to find ways to add value to people’s life. i do that now on a one-to-one level, this series is an attempt at scaling or at the very least, increasing the frequency of this phenomenon. to remain committed it’s really important that the work i do: connection and transparency lead to art. sometimes i doubt the value of this contribution because of my old almost nihilistic mindset. however, it’s on me to keep the fire of dark nai alive and burning. if only 4% of his will is realized, comparatively, that’s a very fulfilling life! and i want him to get 100%. aka i want to get to 100%!


so what the fuck does all of this have to do with the conversation series? all the content in my channel will now roll into three categories:

  1. conversation series: sit down and pow-wow with interesting peeps/artists/humans. keep experimenting with format. build a community that holds space for one another. bind the diff people in my life together. invite others to join. learn from the process. collab w/ artists involved. experiment with splicing some narrative elements into this? brainstorm on mixing diff guests. play with the idea of having a conversation AND making something with each artist (season 2?)ep 000 jon – short (we’ll think of something)
    ep 001 zoo – courage diaries reboot
    ep 002 chase – we’ll think of something dope
    ep 003 swan – 7 deadly sins (vid portion…combine w/ chase photo portion?)….maybe a whole new concept??
    ep 004 zoo pt 2 – mini JC piece
    ep 005 vic – skate/comedy vid?
  2. portfolio: showcase all the work i’m doing in the freelance world. feature the work of other artists on my page.
  3. transparent convos/vlogs: talk directly to my audiences on each platform about stumbling through the process. share thoughts from other friends/arists/creators on the same issues i talk about



episode five of the conversation series (am i really going with that name?) will be my best yet. i’m going to sit down with vic.

i will do my absolute best to address ALL the issues i’ve encountered thus far:

  • multiple angles (at least two) – use the osmo, make sure it’s charged
  • proper lighting – test out the lighting beforehand, don’t rely on natural light
  • pre-production – address each element of zoo’s “lesson plan” rubric; identify what area of questions/stories i want vic to cover
    • switching from skating to city job as the “thing”
    • how does he “express” now?
    • is he happy?
    • how is it living with me and plans for the future
  • journal/draft my why behind the conversation series
  • journal/draft/explain exactly what the conversation series is
  • design a good thumbnail
  • shoot the intro
  • shoot the outro
  • create a small intro for the conversation series
  • small promo vid for insta/fb talking about what the conversation series is
  • small promo vid for insta/fb discussing “the why” behind the conversation series is

i’m also playing with the idea of some b-roll. hmm… this is still fuzzy


more soon.

a day late

a day late with the conversation series.
been late w/ the blogs.
daily(s) are sliding down my window. all that glory raining down on the field and i’m inside. warm. dry. empty–well. that’s not true. the  pool has been rising. i’m fighting a battle. slowly gaining ground. episode 3 is here. thank you world. i’m going to begin writing/drafting my vision for the conversation series here.

love you universe.

[late entry for 2/18/19, published 2/19/19 0156]

“DOING” the conversation series.

i said i’d stand behind the conversation series but what exactly does that mean?

  • new episodes every sunday?
  • speaking candidly on this journey?

let’s touch on that for a sec. speaking candidly on this journey. what exactly do i mean by that? vulnerability. okay. but this still feels foggy..

a question from swan extended a helping hand: what does “REALLY doing” the conversation series look like?

that inquiry stuck with me.

and the immediate example that came to mind? voice-overs that closely mirror the tone in my current blog entries. splice that with some cinematic sequences and sprinkle on some classic vlog-style talking direct-to-camera vibes.

hardly revolutionary but it does open a possible conduit between myself and a whole host of people who are waiting for a larger conversation.


what do i see? the next level. letting experience rather than theory clear away the brush.  every day i will write and reflect on this series starting with this:

i have many special people who are fragmented.  i’ve done a poor job of connecting them. this can being to bind them together. cross-pollination among audiences. offer them another place to visit, re-visit, and be heard. a safe space. an incubation chamber for collaboative offshoots. somewhere we can learn. somewhere we can play. far enough out where we all do a little stretching. some mild discomfort to say the least but as in real life, if things go well, we adjust and grow. like nemo said: go to the next level and WHEN you get there THEN ask yourself how you feel. 


tomorrow afternoon i’ll film a short trailer for an event planner. i’m excited about it. it’ll be short. cinematic. and clean.  i’ll study some examples in the morning and map out a shot list. i’ll also pay special attention to the music and soundscape in the sample the client showed me. i liked the feeling and i can tell a good amount of the power was sound.


more everything.
love you universe

[late for 2/17/19, published 2/18/19 00:52]


for the thrill

so last night baby gurl aka swanlake aka swanberry aka swancakes was in the trenches.  she worked a full day. ran a fundraising meeting for the short film she’s working on. thennnnnnn proceeded to go HAM and begin editing an episode of her magnum opus, the ineffable, Sarah Taylor.

total sleep time 30 mins.

some part solidarity.  some part “i got shit to do.” many parts, screw living in fear of lack of sleep/the cold sore shot-clock— all coalesced into my deciding to ride out with her and work.  i had a fucking blast.  i forget how much i enjoy being in flow. and late nights. damn, i love late nights.  don’t get me wrong, quite a few annoying hiccups flared up. as per usual there were the 7000 roadblocks that arise whenever one tries to render something out of premiere.  let’s not even dwell on all the basic bitch lessons i re-learned: save every few minutes… i got about 2/3 of the way through a multicamera edit when premiere just fucking CRASHED. yep. back to the drawing board. but i stuck with it.  why? some part solidarity.  some part “i got shit to do.” many parts, screw living in fear of lack of sleep/the cold sore shot-clock…

before linking with swan for our midnight run (which btw is still on-going for her, the episode still isn’t up) the path ahead continues to unfurl.   earlier last night i spoke with my sister about my lack of direction at times and she said: i just think about what i need to get to the next level in whatever i want to do. then i do it. if it turns out i was wrong, fuck it. i’ll do something else. if i get there and it’s not good enough, fuck it. i’ll go where i can get it. you think too much. your good at so much. just decide.

a few hours ago, zeus and i reflected on all these things and a lot more.  as we made our usual rounds in conversation it hit both of us. conversation was the common denominator among many of my strongest relationships. that’s where i have to go. there’s something important about proliferating that ability to others. then i can do something else. but i must get there first. and when i get there, IF it’s not enough. fuck it. i’ll find out where it is. and so on and so on.


some part solidarity.  i’ll keep surrounding myself with, growing, and serving those around me.

some part “i got shit to do.” i’ll keep following the compass of connection that’s always been guiding me, however, now i’ll follow it with intent. i will be as vulnerable, as open, and as bright as possible. i will REALLY TRY WITH THE CONVERSATION SERIES GOING FORWARD.

many parts, screw living in fear of lack of sleep/the cold sore shot-clock… i will take care of my body but i will push hard. and i expect unsavory times as a result. 


~love you.



breathe and begin again.

breathe and begin again. this is a common theme in meditation.  when trying to focus on the breath or on observing feelings we’re often swept up by cloud thoughts. the guidance is usually the same, instead of repudiating or chastising yourself for catching floating down the thought-stream, simply breathe and begin again.

as i write this. right now as i sit, breathe, and begin again… what am i connecting to?  what am i beginning or reconnecting with?  Impulse ushers my habit/cloud thoughts toward daily(s)/weekly(s) and but riiiiight before plunging in, i was reminded of something chase said that really stuck out to me…

“i think you’ve been journaling [outside of the blog] about things other than just the daily(s) and i think your daily(s) and just your struggle with doing them has been a big prominent theme in your life and i respect that. and it is something that should be at the forefront of what you’re writing about cuz that’s where your mind is at and that’s the overwhelming theme of what you’re dealing with and going through. sort of, engineering your life into this next phase. but i would also say maybe more posts about other stuff going on in your life would be great. beyond just the daily(s) themselves. daily(s) for the sake of daily(s). maybe it’s about….”

i’ve been so focused on pushing to the next evolution and that push aka daily(s)/weekly(s) have become the LOUDEST voice in the room. and sometimes that’s okay. i need that focus. that intent. i really must practice zeroing in on my week, and my day, and battle to remain conscious.  if i don’t stay on top of things the path of least resistance will bind me.  but that said, i’m forging this “being” for a purpose: to be a conduit for my dreams. my imagination. to continue to connect, grow, inspire, love, dream, heal– all of it. 

zoo encouraged me to think about the value i enjoy bringing in life– and to be honest, much of my fulfillment surrounds building up the people in my life. near and far. old and new.  and during this process, every now and again, there’s a spark. some mutual creative desire begins to germinate and from this, a collaborative effort is born.  that’s what i’m training for.  i want to share and learn.  i bring no specific expertise to all of the people connected to me but there is something wonderful and valuable that comes from the connection itself. the conversation series aims to capture and share that. it’s the work i’ve been doing my whole life for free and out of love. it’s hardly a choice.

it’s a place where i can really offer something to my guests and (eventually, once the kinks are worked out) offer something to any listeners. over time it will offer many people exposure as it evolves to mirror the cross-pollination that is my life. the desire to do this is so fucking loud. a part of me always feels i can be doing so much more for others. and snoozing that call has only emboldened it.  it’s almost as if until i lean into doing this work i’m cut off from my other ideas. it’s reached the point where the dialogue in my head is that some of the doors i need to walk through necessarily involve working with and meeting people through the conversation series. accurate or not, it seems all roads desire-wise seek to push me to become radically more accessible than i am currently. and now i hear it…

in the silence of my heart, there’s this fear.. this fear of being drained, lost, and martyred. while i’ve been nurtured and loved by various mentors and beautiful humans over the years i’ve also seen them suffer. and aside from the fact that all people suffer, experiecning that has definitely made me cautious.  and whatever rationalized fear of success, or more accurately, whatever fear of CHANGE that has barred my path…the desire to connect and serve has filled my heart quite some time ago. i must let it live opposed to muting and snoozing it.

having this realization drop through to the very center of my attention has been a great gift. today it’s what i’m reaching out and connecting to as i breathe and begin again.  my aspirations content-wise have become clearer.  i must do and share online what i do in private in my conversation: go first, be vulnerable, listen, and be true to whomever i’m engaged with.  over the course of the day i’m going to reflect on, and imagine, what this looks like, how it feels, and who it will serve.

learning this about myself gets me all sorts of excited when i think about the possibilities of deaf&mumbles 💕 but that’s a topic for another day.

in other life news (freelance)
i have one freelance gig in the pipeline– shooting some testimonials for a medical firm (i’m actually excited for this. cash + a chance to practice some basic storytelling)

possible wedding (i’ll find out more once i text my cousin back)

this friday i’m doing a walkthrough of a space chase and i will be shooting in march

-love you universe


the more strategic and in my head i get the less war-ready i am. that’s in part why i’m so plan-averse. and i knoooooooow we’ve beat this horse to death but until i’m exectuting properly— we’re at this level.

so when i say “being strategic makes me less war-ready” i don’t  mean that the act of preparation has weakened me but that SWITCHING GEARS from plan mode to action mode is hard for me. in my mind, when i’m goggins’d-out and ready to launch into action i’m totally divorced from the big picture—i’m only concerned with the next strike. i’m obsessed. i’m focused. i imagine this is a common experience, especially for those who do plan. i doubt my “expert planners” are in planmode while running the field during game day. but internally i see a hickup..a flaw in my patterns. i NEVER want to enter plan mode, and when i do, it feels as if my efforts should count as ALREADY having “done the thing”.  for example, if i spend 30 mins planning tomorrow or working on a treatment it registers in my brain as having done the thing. the same is true if i never enter plan mode and begin a task— if i’m forced to stop or pause before the task’s completion— my brain logs this too as having done the thing. so i guess the real issue here has less to do with switching from planning to action modes (whether that switch happens mins, hours, or days apart) the struggle is that my mind is lazy. it wants to open “the door” (meaning the project, the task, the daily, the obligation, etc) ONLY ONCE. and from there it’s attached to this idea, this habit, this hope that it’s over. my brain and i are all about—“when will it be over?”  it sees simply beginning or engaging with a goal or challenge for a bit (not FINISHING it) as “effort.”  then i get to “get back to me” or think “my time is mine again.”

this is the true fuckup… this idea that whenever i’m not sitting down with freetime and zero obligation that  i’m WORKING or SUFFERING. that doing “nothing’ is freedom..

this couldn’t be further from the truth given that most of the things i’m wrapped up in (aside from my 9 to 5) i elected to do. i WANT to participate in.  i’ve poorly wired my brain and now i have to make some upgrades.  i felt the raw power of a strong WHY during week 1 and 2 of daily(s).  now that i have more room to play given the “get out of jail-free card” that going to bed by 2300 presents, old habits have snuck back in.  because missing daily(s) are allowed if sleep is threatened then why not also miss a few due to procrastination? that’s effectively what my brain’s been rationalizing.

i want to repect the sleep rule WHILE trying my best to do every single daily. to do that i need to remember my WHY in every moment. otherwise i’ll simply snooze my daily(s) and accept “the loss” once my 2300 alarm goes the off.. however, when i’m in touch with my why… post meditation.. post journal.. when things are quiet. its easy to perform. vs when i’m buzzing with energy late at night or looking at a bunch of undone daily(s) at 2250— at that point i’m so disconnected from my truth. i forget my why. the past two night’s have been like that. the unspoken logic is, if i can’t get 100% why try at all? i’m not putting forth my best effort because i’m convinced i’ll fall short anyway. and though this next portion always goes unspoken, inner nai believes it’s better to not care or half-heartedly try than to lose bleeding and hoping. that’s what’s at the core of my complacency.  finally i can sit and have tea with that code.

in most cases i’m more afraid than hungry and that determines my action.

the past two nights i’ve been more afraid of NEVER hitting 100% daily(s) according to plan THAN i’ve been clawing at my best with the inner desire/hope/belief that i’m capable and getting closer every day. and of course i BELIEVE it’s possible. that’s why i’m doing it.  my entire life i’ve been straddled by visions. the call has been all consuming and defeaning. different habits, different practices, different beliefs…. if applied, hold so much fulfillment and self-actualization on the otherside of that door. life will remain ambiguous and forever challenging but i’ll be more connected to me. to the people i care about. to the projects i care about if i go for it 100%.

love you universe



i didn’t see it before but i’m gone…
and new nai? post daily(s) nai? is here.

truth be told,  current “me”, daily(s) “me” was crushed the fuck out last week.  some of that loss was due to legit miscalculation, another portion simply path of least resistance fumbles (e.g. as i began to miss some daily(s) i got comfortable with the feeling and so on and so on), and some part of me was simply lost.  and that freefall of despair returned me to my old buddies: paralysis and complacency.

it’s important that i mention that i got a cold sore about two days ago. i don’t “know” why but i have some good suspicions. (1) i haven’t been sleeping well (2) i haven’t been sleeping well (3) i’ve been drinking and not sleeping well (4) i haven’t been taking valacyclovir (valtrex) daily as recommended. i was of the mindset that my liver (kidneys? both?) would be taking extra damage as a result of taking this “medication” every day. but i know people who take it and their “fine”, who knows 😂, nevertheless clearly i’m in the group of people who get outbreaks too often so i must experiment with other means.  still, i struggle because an EVEN LARGER part of me is convinced with increased immune health through diet and sleep i’d perform waaaaay better without any assistance from medication. at this point who knows but i can’t continue to be inconsistent about diet/sleep aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand not take valtrex–dumb move (4) i’ve been stressed about missing daily(s), this leads to outbreaks.

one of the reasons i’m stressed about daily(s) is because i keep bouncing back and forth between prioritizing SLEEP vs COMPLETING ALL MY DAILY(S). it’s tough for me because missing daily(s) leads to a breakdown in consistency that i don’t like. and for those of you who don’t know what i’m talking about here’s the scenario: it’s 2000 and i have 3 hours worth of stuff to do but my power down ritual begins at 2145 which is necessary for a 2300 bedtime. what do i do? well i’ve finally decided. obey the ritual. getting a sliver of action today isn’t worth taking my ENTIRE rhythm off course.  i shouldn’t throw away sleep, so respect it and take the knee. POWER DOWN EVERY NIGHT AT 2145. and if i don’t then i MUST wake up at 0500.  the only exception is if i don’t have a 9 to 5 that day because in that case i can wake up later and with the extra 8 hours still get everything done. so in conclusion:

prioritize TOMORROW over TODAY. if the day is ending, “2145,” and i’m still in the race. call it. tomorrow gives me a fresh start at 0500 to get it ALL DONE. stretching to get more out of a day that’s already ended not only leads to burnout but also compromises my ability to kill the next day, and the day after that, and so on.

  1. daily(s) done or not, if it’s 2145 begin powering down. this gives me the best shot at killing daily(s) for the next day
  2. if it’s past 2145  just go straight to bed whenever possible, if i have work the next day i should still wake up at 0500 UNLESS that means less than 6 hours of sleep. (e.g. i end at 0100, i should sleep until 0600 at LEAST!)
  3. if i go to bed past 2300 and i don’t have my 9 to 5 the next day, get the extra rest but don’t STAY UP LATER trying to do more daily(s)

i have to stick to these rules. this week’s cold sore proves it doesn’t take much to set me off. on this cold sore note.. i should mention, going forward, whenever i DO FALL PREY to this devilish beast this doesn’t warrant my throwing in the towel. i must still show up. i still have to perform. i still need to rock daily(s) and weekly(s). every time i’ve pushed past my insecurity and self-pity (during one of my godawful outbreaks) it’s been worth it. i’m sure every time won’t be positive but that’s not the point, the point is that an outbreak shouldn’t have stopping power.  i’ve EXPERIENCED this phenomenon. i’ve benefitted from getting out of my own head–hold on to this cookie, this insight. it also helps that swan is super supportive (and somewhat seemily unphased) during these times. hell, most (if not all) humans in my life are either supportive or highly empathetic. my concern over MYSELF is the cause of my own misery.

i thought “prioritizing sleep” provided me the opportunity to underperform by offering up sleep as a pathway to dodging daily(s) but EXPERIENTIALLY that’s HASN’T been the case. if i were acutally GOING TO BED no matter what after 2145 and STILL missed daily(s) the next day after a 0500 wake up THEN there would be a case. IN PRACTICE what i’ve been doing is STAYING UP past 2145, not completing daily(s) because i’m thinking “i should go to bed” however i’m still up doing other shit… THEN the next day i’d sleep late because i “didn’t want to get less than 6 hours.” i was in this pattern of feeling “defeat” (over not having finished daily(s) before 2145) ➡ coping with that defeat by staying up late and doing things that make me feel good ➡ waking up late because i didn’t want to feel even worse by depriving my body of rest. this had the added effect of my feeling shame over not only having MISSED daily(s) but (despite my efforts) still having shitty sleep. this compounded my stress. boom cold sore. nai. in order to stop this pattern follow these new rules. hopefully they solve the problem, if not, we’ll keep making adjustments.

daily(s) began to degrade once i got accustomed to missing them. it’s okay to LOSE because of poor planning. failure is a part of life. it’s not okay to make decisions i KNOW will compromise me in the future and shrug my shoulders when things come apart in the present (e.g. it’s 2145 and i tell myself, “just 5 more mins of jumping around to music, etc) RESPECT MY COMMITMENT TO MYSELF. SELF DISCIPLINE IS SELF-MASTERY. SELF-MASTERY IS SELF LOVE. WITH SELF-LOVE I CAN PROVIDE THE MOST FOR EVERYONE IN MY LIFE AND ENJOY FULFILLMENT. i cannot continue to rob myself of this.

daily(s) matter.
my weekly goals matter.
it’s not as simple as missing them. to WILLINGLY miss daily(s) or weekly(s) is to choose the path of least resistance over ME. remember that. i will accept loss but never forfeit.

love you universe

p.s. i pulled a 0500 today 🙌🏾

new daily(s)

yesterday (now two days given this publish date) swanberry and i sat down & designed new daily(s). i explained that the core agenda going forward would be (1) building towards a freelance career and (2) strengthening my planning/organizational skills.  this meant two things– time management-wise, this week’s schedule/daily(s)/weekly goals needed to be realistic and achievable.  second, the lion’s share of this week’s effort needed to result in a big step toward freelance.

so off we go. well…. before our meeting came a quick search on “planning” via the youtubes. oddly enough this resulted in a super helpful video/article combo, from the eerily red pill-like named website, “the art of manliness”… it was pretty fire in terms of helping me THINK about weekly goals.

i got (or was reminded of) a few important concepts from the art of manliness piece:

  1. review each day AND plan for the next day, every day, in addition to planning my week.
  2. there are different types of daily goals.  ROCK goals (major achievement for the day around which the day is planned); SHARPENING THE SAW goals (tasks meant to keep one in prime form: working out, reading, meditation, etc); GRAVEL (smaller tasks like cooking, laundry, etc. these “fill out” the rest of your day, they are placed around rock goals.
  3. aim to keep sharpening the saw goals at the same time each day
  4. prioritize my goals so i’ll be able to decide in the moment, zero deliberation

another concept swan brought to my attention was that my ideal day would look different day-to-day. this sucked to hear but made so many of last week’s failings obvious. like goggins or many of the discipline experts i know, the body and mind do best in rhythm, a pattern. wake up at this time, eat at x, work during y,  begin power-down blah blah blah.  however, swan helped me realize that my desire for simplicity blinded me from the fact that there’s a fair amount of variance in my evenings so instead of thinking about repeating the same day, every day, think about my week.

i needed to identify my major goals were for the week (insert another swan insight) THEN check my calendar to see how much of the week was really mine AFTER factoring all prior obligations (late work nights, dates, family, etc)  this was fucking mind-blowing for me. what i hadn’t intuited, and another reason why i always failed at planning so miserably–i didn’t get this basic fact that: i DON’T HAVE THE SAME AMOUNT OF TIME WEEK TO WEEK. this week, for example, i have 1 date night, 1 late work night, and 1 day where i’m shooting on swan’s project. that’s THREE nights this week that ARE NOT mine to spend. this means i can’t have a weekly goal list that requires SEVEN FREE NIGHTS because i only have FOUR FREE nights. this is another reason why daily(s) ended up crushing me out last week. i’d take on the same load regardless of available time because i didn’t know how to scan for and identify time that wasn’t mine.

this ALSO means that there will ALWAYS be more things i WANT to do in a week than i CAN do in a week.  there are TWO levers i can move to increase output:

  1. INCREASE “me” days – say no to more things and have more days available per week. this allows for more weekly tasks to get done. at the moment my default allows for two socials days (often 2 date nights or 1 fam and 1 date night) and one late-work night.
  2. GET BETTER performance-wise. as the weeks go by i will be able to accomplish more in the same hour than i did the previous week. keep stretching (slowly) while staying consistent and this phenomenon will occur all on its own.

there another thing i must keep an eye on: the priority list of my weekly desires. in order to have this i must first identify my main goals. for that i have S.T.A.M.P.E. [see this post if you’re confuzzled]

Sanctums – family, best friends, and main support circles
Temple – my body/health
Art – art
Money – financial awareness, business, etc
People – secondary support circles and humanity as a whole
Everything else – everything else

Sanctums – keep “2 days” for loved ones.
Temple – 90 mins of physicals are good, stop here. program this at the beginning of the day as sharpening the saw goals
Art – focus on diversity of experience. try a bunch of different things and see what’s fulfilling. program art as a rock goal synonymous with freelance. 
Money – FREELANCE. first, build a reel from what i have. every day try and secure a paid gig. program money as a rock goal synonymous with art. 
People – work with artists you care about and wish to see flourish; do work affiliated with causes that matter
Everything Else – 🤷🏾‍♂️

and now, after a third sift through of those thoughts, i’m left with my priority list for weekly goals:

  1. the conversation series – it’s something i’m making every week. it generates value for my brand. it’s a thing i can constantly build and enjoy. it showcases my skill and range. it’s work i think should be in the world.
  2. ‘freelance’ – at this stage this means attempting to secure a gig every day; once a gig comes along, executing on it. as this increases in frequency, freelance will bypass the conversation series in value. until then, given my inconsistent, or non-existent, paid client base, the convo series generates more daily value.
  3. helping people – this means working other artists. donating my time. supporting friends.
  4. marketing – this includes all efforts at marketing the conversation series, the vlog, my personal brand, and the emerging freelance business.
  5. the vlog – i’d like to ship the vlog weekly but this comes AFTER everything else meaning if i have 6 full nigel days, there may be time for the vlog, if i only have 4, probably not….

whew! i’m still not done. i need to know what my DEFAULT block of time looked like. an “average” day. and even now i keep reminding myself a schedule is a PLAN, a guideline, not a test. and certainly never a reason to quit in the event i’m “off schedule” for some reason.  

0500 – 0600 wake, then mental goals (meditation, journal, etc)
0600 – 0730 physical goals (any combination of running or calisthenics: push-ups, abs, pull-ups, and/or dips)
0730- 0830 weekly film goals (choose one skill/tutorial and practice it every day for an hour. another major insight from swan. the week prior i did 7 different tutorials and confessed while familiar with more techniques i retained none of the knowledge and would need to use a reference video in the future if i were to create any of the effects i leared again.  with this structure on days 1-4 i’d most likely refer to the tutorial, on days 5-6 slowly on my own, and on the 7th day i should be moving at a moderate speed completely independent. skill acquired. 💪🏾)
0830-1900 work, including travel
1900 – 1945 cooking and shopping (here i plan to take a page out of zoo and chase/nima’s book and cook for the ENTIRE WEEK on sunday. this would give me 45 extra mins over the remaining 6 days)
1945 – 2145 MY REAL TIME. for film. editing. marketing. all of it.
2145 – 2200 plan tomorrow!
2200 – 2230 blog + any remaining mental goals (evening meditation)
2230 – 2245 shower and power down
2245 – 2300 yoga PM
2300 sleep

i gotta admit last night it was hard to obey this but i know why now. last week i suffered tons of losses. i’ve become accustomed to less than 100% weeks again and began settlings now i remember my why… SELF-DISCIPLINE IS SELF MASTERY. SELF MASTERY IS SELF LOVE. there are no circumstances where not holding self mastery as a priority is a thing… with self love i give way more, i enjoy way more, and i’m SO much more fulfilled.

This week with only four nigel days in my possession i only have time for:
– building a reel (approx 2 nigel days)
– filming new conversation series and editing last week’s (approx 2 nigel days)


whew. i’ve learned so much. i’m incredibly thankful to all the parties involved in helping me assemble this run (chase, zoo, and swan). can’t wait to deliver on monday.

love you universe

[late for 2/4/19, published 2/5/19 1312]