never defeat

defeat? never that. failure to act on my insights, yes.

i haven’t been scheduling. every day has been like standing on the bow of a ship that’s rising & falling atop raging waters…

i don’t know what’s coming & despite maximum effort i keep getting knocked the fuck out. case & point last night. the class i TA for got out at 9pm. i need 5.5 hrs for daily(s). i also need to be in bed by 12:45am. what the fuck was the plan? insta-death.

planning.

my great weakness. i must bathe, sleep, train—FUCKING MARRY PLANNING. i need backstops also known as contingency plans. hell, i also need a basic plan to begin with. right down to the MINUTE. and DAYSSSS in advance too.

nai, if you keep winging this shit, you’ll  keep getting the same results. each daily must have a BACKSTOP & a PLAN, or the only result will be more failure.

i need to plan days in advance, at a minimum i need to know the next day. my days aren’t identical and i don’t know when my free time is. and if something comes up what is my backstop. also, do i kick sleeep or do i lose a daily?

let’s start with tomorrow.

when am i waking up? 0830

meditation? 0845

shopping, cooking, eating? 0905-1000

journal? 1000-1020

blog? 1020-1040

read? 1040-1050

biz com? 1050-1115

weekly? 1115-1120

film tutorial? 1120-1140

editing? 1140-1210

SwanTime: 1300-1700

shoot conversation series? 1700-1830

abs? 1900-1920

pushups? 1920-1940

pull ups? 1940-1942

dips? 1942-1944

jog 20 miles? 2000-2230

share physical progress? 2230-2235

film biz tutorial? 2300-2330

camera/edit tutorial? 2330-0000

share camera edit tutorial progress on social 0000-0015

 

holy fuck. let’s get it. love you universe.

~nai

 

[late for 1/30/19, published 1/31/19 0357]

on giving more to others

bruce (one of my mentors).  i love you so much. we talk and you remind me about the “lighght” (saroyan) i shine in the world.

i do connect quickly.
i do hold space.
i do love easily.
i do see people.
but in the tug of war of life i’ve given too much slack. for fear of being drained and “trying too hard” i’ve held back. nevertheless that doesn’t undermine my essence, i do have an uncanny ability to love and to help others to love. and i struggle with that. i’m scared of it.
the next 10 yrs won’t be like the last 10. the last 10 were beautiful but i will extend.  i will stretch. that said, i’ve held space for so many and i can never forget that. i’ve loved so much. #lessons
[late for 1/29/19, published on instagram on 1/30/19, uploaded here 1/31/19 0255]

transit and new found opportunity

oh chasey-bear and zoo you sweet mo-fos you.
thanks for these two insights.

  1. make use of travel  – chase highlighed something that i was too quick go dismiss. travel hours. travel for me is a dead zone. namely because i pass the fuck out the moment the wheels start spinning but this time is precious. if there are any MENTAL daily(s) left then sleeping in-transit is no longer an option.
  2. run last. limit physicals. another helpful insight. physicals take up the lion’s share of my day and they’re all important. they help callous my mind. i’ve made so much progress because of them. this makes chopping them hard and tougher yet to decide which and by how much. so here’s the plan: 2 hours of physicals a day. running PLUS one other physical. am and pm yoga don’t count. boom thats it. an example would be 10 miles + 250 pushups. another 10 miles + 2 sets of abs. another 10 miles + pull-ups & dips. instead of doing EVERYTHING everyday. break it up. perhaps there should even be a light run day + heavier on the remaining physicals.
  3. heavier on the film/biz – zoo and discussed that while running and the other physicals are a bitch i look forward to them (we’ll certainly not abs, or the first few miles) but i don’t shrink from there. film work is more ambiguous and more elusive. especially since my future isn’t clear and this phase super exploratory, the result? i’ve been prioritizing physicals over film which is CRAZY because i’m not trying to be a body builder! that said, the body is an amazing tool for gaining access to the mind. anywhoo, i must make my film daily(s) waaaaay heavier. but how?

bouncing back from hard lessons

two hits right to the face. sidenote: i’ve never been punched in the face so i guess that’s not the best analogy for me to use. sigh, universe is gonna come for me now 🙄

this post is late. and i missed the day before. i don’t mind being late. turns out that’s my problem. i don’t have a schedule for my daily(s). i’m not sure where this tendency stems from but another reason i avoid planning? it triggers me. it sets off a wave of overwhelm. that overwhelm is a stopper for me. it locks my mind into a loop. practically speaking, typing calmly now, i can see how planning would make things easier. i’d be aware of the small next step i need to take and focus solely on that. that said, my habit, the pattern that plays in my head RIGHT NOW is that planning will make things seem too big, too large… i don’t want to look at that massive mountain. tough luck nai.

i’m studying me. as i keep stressing myself physically and mentally …dedicating to embracing “the suck” every day, the same patterns keep emerging: poor time management, poor planning, chronic lateness.

  • avoiding planning & organizational work has limited my creative and entrepreneurial ambition.
  • poor time management has made last weeks daily(s) damn near impossible. i had two major loses because i didn’t write out and execute on a plan of action. i just winged it.
  • my “i can always do it later” attitude encourages lateness– what have i learned? i don’t always have a chance to do it later. if i need 7 hrs of sleep then time is limited. there’s waayyy to much slacking off in between tasks (youtube, dragging my feet, smoking, phone convos, etc)

in life (thus far) i’ve been able to do whatever i wanted, make a last ditch effort, and it always works out. that won’t cut it.  not for this. not when i’m trying to discover and squeeze out my potential through self-mastery. i’m only cheating myself. i’m still leaving so much on the table.

i also need to remember this is me vs myself. everyone has some hang up, some trauma, some debilitating limiting-belief. i’m looking for, attacking, and working through mine. one by one. every day. forever. over time the tide of power will change and i won’t be a slave to as many but it will never “all be behind me.” age doesn’t matter. time doesn’t matter. social pressures and expectations don’t matter. nai, stay focused on tempering your spirit and endurance. from there i can really offer a deeper strength, support, and power to those i love or lend energy to. i feel more strength…more of me, aching, clawing to break through….and he’s finally gaining some traction. these recent fuck-ups are a gift. don’t blink and miss it. this is an opportunity to double down and REALLY fuck shit up..

all of this said, i’m adjusting and learning all while holding myself to an ever-increasing standard that moves forward week by week. daily(s) are ambitious.  many people predicted failure, said it wasn’t sustainable. most of that comes from a loving place. don’t get sucked in. how i bounce back from this will determine everything. i just did ALL my physical daily(s). it’s 0409. nevertheless, i missed a slew of mental and film/biz daily(s) today— why? poor planning. i’m SO USED to just “staying up” and “doing it later” but i have a time limit. a shot clock. i always loathed having to perform. NEEDING to be somewhere at a certain time. i used to eat this rhetoric up. but i see through it now. it’s fear. fear of grinding and competing. fear of loss. fear of not measuring up. i know i have ability. i’ve always known that. what i know now is that i’m willing.

obligation is a bitch. but that’s where greatness lies. i still grit my teeth at the idea that things aren’t “on my time” but nai– you set the goals. THE GOALS determine the plan of action. your mind and habits are soft. addicted to path of least resistance. constantly searching for the reassuring “this is good enough.” i’ve gained a lot more control as i continue training “for life.” thank you universe.

oh, and amidst all of this turmoil, beautiful things have been flourishing on the romance front. i’ll need to factor this into my daily(s) as well. everything that matters need to accounted for and nourished. celebrate and honor that. this reminds me that the physical daily(s) help callous my mind but i’m not trying to be a body builder or anything. keep the physicals but tailor them. film/biz needs more time. famo and close friends need some attention as well. tomorrow i’ll be reformatting daily(s) i’ll need to factor all of this in. above all. TIME. MOTHER. FUCKING. MANAGEMENT.

anywho nai, sleep now. we just screwed another daily: 7-8 hrs of sleep just went out the window.

love you universe.

 

[late for 1/27/19, published on 1/28/18 0434]

stretching is beautiful

last night i got home at 0135 in the morning.
i had all my physical daily(s) to do. hell, pretty much all my daily(s). and i did them. all of them.

well technically i didn’t do eeeeeeeeeeeverything– i didn’t do glidecam which is now a moot point. i also realized this morning i missed my weekly(s). i did my “to-do list item” for the day and mistakenly associated that to my weekly(s) which are completely different. my weekly(s) was to review my finances– that never happened. my to-do list item was clean yoga mat & clean my room floor; so like the night i missed my meal prep daily…there lessons i needed to learn.

  • when it comes to meal prep– always know (during the day time) whether i need to shop for groceries or not.
  • when it comes to looking over my daily(s) list– review it slowly at the end of the day and visualize each item to make sure i didn’t miss anything!

but here’s the main point: after a wonderful night (which included whiskey) i came home and went ham on my daily(s). i was up until 0635 i the morning. then i went and got a little under 7 hrs of sleep– i just couldn’t sleep anymore! ya boy is on it.

another day. another cookie. cementing the narrative of self-mastery and self-love.

 

[late for 1/25/19, published on 1/26/18 0008]

calm mind

holy fuck nuggets. i was really buzzing off gear-lust/ronin-s hunger yesterday. so as per usual i fielded the idea across the sanctum and that shit was shot the fuck down.

  • rule of 3 – old law i devised w/ qaz. can’t buy equipment/anything unless the NEED arises three times. this prevents poor one-time or imagined rationalizations around how much something is “needed.” if something is really vital then it should take no time at all to hit this threshold and in turn legitimize the request.
  • cash/income flow from gigs – got this idea from stitching together separate convos between chase and qazi but they essentially eddy around the same point. if i’m not making any money i shouldn’t be spending any money. i don’t have to be in the black nor does the next gig have to cover the entire purchase but there should be a stream of income. i’m already pretty much check-to-checking my current life flow so taking out of that for a business that isn’t generating any income isn’t smart.
  • patience – i’m always being talked at about patience… and boy do i hate hearing about it but the truth is i’ve gone several months without touching the glidecam, therefore, how dire is it that i acquire a stabilizer RIGHT NOW. before yesterday’s post i was perfectly content with (a now useless) glidecam…so why do i HAVE to HAVE a functioning ronin-s today?
  • hustle somewhere else – another chase suggestion. get the cash from another stream. get the ronin-s. then go back for the video/gig money…

all in all, i will stay my hand. i’ll earn it the right way and push forward on every other front in the meantime.  2 months max though!!! after that i’m using my tax refund and my old ways. i kid. i kid…. sorta 😅

DOUBLE POST: “balanced” decision-making

awwwww snaps. i thought i had this one solved but alas i do not. btw, shoutout my second double post. i made a resolution not to stockpile posts and instead ferry them out as inspiration hits. why? because this habit is meant to be DAILY. the only time i can see myself baking a post for future release is if i’m on vacation and will be away from the interwebs, otherwise, i’ll be here. shipping. everyday. every. single. day.

long debacle mini– i currently own a glidecam 2000. for those of you who don’t know what the hell i’m talking about it’s a non-motorized gimble aka it’s helps me get smooth shots. if that was still too tecky, it’s a handheld device that helps stabilize my shots so they don’t look “handheld.”  now for context, this was one of THE FIRST pieces of equipment i purchased for my camera. a few of my mentors use/used it and it’s been behind some dope works. now– like my drone is sat around for AWHILE. i was lost at sea and all my tools were gathering dust. slowly as i rose from my stupor i began activating those nodes. the drone–though currently out for repairs, is back in play. and now that i’m messing w/ the glidecam i’m becoming aware of a few disheartening facts.

glidecam is dope. but it works based on weight. it’s weighted at the bottom to offset the weight at the top. problem is my camera is SUPRA LIGHT. it’s a micro four-thirds mirrorless. and only one of it’s lenses is even “kinda” hefty. and i love her for that reason (rory is her name. yeah. like from gilmore girls. that’s neither here nor there but i fucking love that show– way ahead of it’s time. i never finished it but–ok. let me stop here.) so long story medium, rory even with a mic on her head is still too light!! i can reduce the weight on the bottom but even then it’s iffy and if there’s ANY wind out, the gimble fails. additional weight at the bottom of the glidecam would make for better wind resistance but rory isn’t heavy enough to counter it.  i never noticed all my mentors had heavier camera bodies. mirrorless was still newish then and though weight was mentioned (get the glidecam 2000 over the glidecam 4000–the 4000 is for even heavier camera bodies) no-one factored for mirror-less cameras, which again, are crazy light.

enter my dilemma. i’ve been holding off on getting a ronin-s, here’s the non-geek breakdown on that. the ronin-s is motorized gimble that you pop your camera into and it does all the stabilization work for you. drawbacks– issa little pricey and sometimes the shots look “robotic” vs the slightly more human touch that the glidecam has. a very nuanced issue. most hummies alive won’t be able to tell the difference.  whew. anywhoo. now i’m at this wierd crossroads. i don’t want to rationalize new purchases, ESPECIALLY since no cash is flowing in FROM gigs at the moment buuuuuuuuuuuuut i really want stabilization for some of the work i’m doing.

ronin-s goes for $749. i just missed a killer $200 sale/coupon combo. w/e i can’t help that. and to do it i’d just pretty much burn a check. suffer like a fresh catch pulled ashore while i pull back from all manners of spending. 90%, shit tbh, 100% of the gig that are currently in the pipeline requires stabilization, hence renewed zeal around glidecam training. but the glidecam is falling short of delivery the goods….

oh my, oh my..
what is a lost shooter to do…

love you universe
~nai

DOUBLE POST: a solid win.

i did it.

with 92.8% of my daily(s) undone and waiting for me at 1900– i killed that bisch when i got home. it wasn’t that hard. the hard part was staying focused when switching from task to task. there was temptation to celebrate, to break stride. there was temptation to run more numbers. to calculate the time left–how much longer do i have? should i speed up? should i second guess my next step? the answer was always a resounding “no.” why?

because if i’m going at my current max and factoring for quality, then if i fall short, i fall short. it’s too late to plan during the execution phase. the only sequence i followed was: foward, fuck shit up, and maintain a sense of attention & quality throughout.

i TECHNICALLY screwed the pooch on one thing. under BODY i had, “prep breakfast/dinner for the next day (research whole 30 diet)” but i ended up EATING that entire meal and in doing so had nothing for “the next day.” and this is a genuine failure. daily(s) aren’t about putting in the effort, they’re about honoring a commitment to things that i feel are truly essential for my overall well-being.

it’s not about the fruits each of these items or tasks will bring, no, the reason why every task matters in the specific is because daily(s) are about honoring my commitment to self-worth and self-mastery and in turn self-love. from THAT place my endurance is infinite, my heart is open, and i am present. whatever my mission that’s the state i want to enter into it with. this is why daily(s) are my motherfucking truth.

so… that said. yesterday wasn’t perfect but i am proud. i surpassed my expectations and that brings me great joy.

let’s get it again TONIGHT!! 💪🏾💪🏾
btw for those you that didn’t know (windows + “.” for emojis)

i should also mention that i built in a “reduced load” or “rest” day for the physicals. there are no “days off” but for vacation mode and my once-a-week recovery day i must allow for some tissue repair etc. goddamn mortal body….

so here’s what like 20% or reduced looks like for BODY:
 in some cases going to 20%  just didn’t make sense, those simply say “reduced”:

BODY

  • run (8 miles) 20% = 1.5 miles
  • morning yoga (15 mins) reduced = 5 mins
  • evening yoga (15 mins) reduced = 5 mins
  • pushups (200 reps) 20% = 40 reps
  • abs (2 sets) reduced = 1 set
  • pull-ups (15 reps) reduced = 10 reps
  • dips (15 reps) reduced = 10 reps
  • prep breakfast/dinner for the next day(includes any necessary shopping) maintain meal prep regiment for next day
  • must lay in bed (sleep) for a 7 to 8 hour window.  maintain a 7-8 hour sleep range

fumble

my first real fumble. last week i suffered late-nights hacking away at daily(s) followed by 0500 wake ups.  all of this resulted in chaos.  my body protested via cold sore.  lesson learned.

as inspiration and motivation fade, all that’s left is drive. and for the first time, eh, more accurately for the first time in a long time, i’m proud of the forming nucleus that is self-mastery/discipline/drive/etc.  yet i can feel some bad code slipping in at the same time.

there are some old habits.. lies.. some falsehoods and plenty of convenient rationales that have snuck aboard as stowaways.

1) quality control  – i need to have a quality control measure in place. classic example. let’s say i have “tutorial” on my list and for this particular lesson i’m studying color grading. what constitutes as having REALLY “completed” the tutorial with a sense of quality?  on a low-energy day it may be as simple as pushing play and just watching, on a medium-energy day perhaps i take notes, and on a highly motivated day maybe i’ll pause/play the video as i work on a project in real time.  can all of these be perceived as “having completed a tutorial?” for each task there should be a rubric which clearly defines what ACCOMPLISHING a specific task at 100% looks like, the same at 20% for reduced days.

2) planning – i failed to accomplish a HUGE amount of daily(s) yesterday. this was a problem i anticipated, “the shot clock” problem.  the latest i can wake up (factoring my morning two daily minimum– am yoga & meditation) is 0745.  With 7 hours sleep that means a 0045 bedtime NO MATTER WHAT. which ALSO means that if i don’t have my daily(s) done by that time, i fail. if i venture into the sleep category in order to finish my daily(s) then i’m compromising my health much in the same ways i did last week.  working late, sacrificing sleep, pushing– crashing. i don’t want to repeat this pattern. in order to pull off this week’s daily(s), i MUST plan or i will fail.  doing the majority of my daily(s) in the morning would be ideal but once i miss a morning, i’m forced to fill my night for the rest of the week.  hence the shot-clock problem…if i go right up until the edge of the clock in order to finish daily(s) then there’s no way i can then get up early in order to relieve the burden on the following evening. aka once i’m off the early am circuit–there’s no getting back on that horse because of the 7-8hr sleep law. long story longer, i must study time management or i will keep failing.

 

i must also be honest about how i handle overwhelm. i immediately procrastinate. i’m used to using the pressure of a deadline to push me but that won’t work this time around. last night (after a wonderful evening of eating, drinking, laughing, and the like) i found myself with over 2.5 hours worth of daily(s) left and 30-40 mins on the clock before my day was OVER– what did i do? i was stunned. instead of trying to accomplish as many as i could in 30 mins i reflected, wallowed, and remained frozen. hell. i even ended up going to bed past my deadline in a youtube spiral as i tried to ease my pain and disappointment.

poor preparation (planning) and poor execution (quality) will haunt me if i don’t make the required changes. today i will fail if i don’t make adjustments. all this said, raw honesty is the first step. the second step? i’m putting my foot down. for the rest of this work week– no evening plans. for the weekend, i’ll need to get the giant things done prior to going out + plan my balls off.

also when i’m in the arena, don’t just lob it up… show good form.

love you universe
~nai