two hits right to the face. sidenote: i’ve never been punched in the face so i guess that’s not the best analogy for me to use. sigh, universe is gonna come for me now 🙄
this post is late. and i missed the day before. i don’t mind being late. turns out that’s my problem. i don’t have a schedule for my daily(s). i’m not sure where this tendency stems from but another reason i avoid planning? it triggers me. it sets off a wave of overwhelm. that overwhelm is a stopper for me. it locks my mind into a loop. practically speaking, typing calmly now, i can see how planning would make things easier. i’d be aware of the small next step i need to take and focus solely on that. that said, my habit, the pattern that plays in my head RIGHT NOW is that planning will make things seem too big, too large… i don’t want to look at that massive mountain. tough luck nai.
i’m studying me. as i keep stressing myself physically and mentally …dedicating to embracing “the suck” every day, the same patterns keep emerging: poor time management, poor planning, chronic lateness.
- avoiding planning & organizational work has limited my creative and entrepreneurial ambition.
- poor time management has made last weeks daily(s) damn near impossible. i had two major loses because i didn’t write out and execute on a plan of action. i just winged it.
- my “i can always do it later” attitude encourages lateness– what have i learned? i don’t always have a chance to do it later. if i need 7 hrs of sleep then time is limited. there’s waayyy to much slacking off in between tasks (youtube, dragging my feet, smoking, phone convos, etc)
in life (thus far) i’ve been able to do whatever i wanted, make a last ditch effort, and it always works out. that won’t cut it. not for this. not when i’m trying to discover and squeeze out my potential through self-mastery. i’m only cheating myself. i’m still leaving so much on the table.
i also need to remember this is me vs myself. everyone has some hang up, some trauma, some debilitating limiting-belief. i’m looking for, attacking, and working through mine. one by one. every day. forever. over time the tide of power will change and i won’t be a slave to as many but it will never “all be behind me.” age doesn’t matter. time doesn’t matter. social pressures and expectations don’t matter. nai, stay focused on tempering your spirit and endurance. from there i can really offer a deeper strength, support, and power to those i love or lend energy to. i feel more strength…more of me, aching, clawing to break through….and he’s finally gaining some traction. these recent fuck-ups are a gift. don’t blink and miss it. this is an opportunity to double down and REALLY fuck shit up..
all of this said, i’m adjusting and learning all while holding myself to an ever-increasing standard that moves forward week by week. daily(s) are ambitious. many people predicted failure, said it wasn’t sustainable. most of that comes from a loving place. don’t get sucked in. how i bounce back from this will determine everything. i just did ALL my physical daily(s). it’s 0409. nevertheless, i missed a slew of mental and film/biz daily(s) today— why? poor planning. i’m SO USED to just “staying up” and “doing it later” but i have a time limit. a shot clock. i always loathed having to perform. NEEDING to be somewhere at a certain time. i used to eat this rhetoric up. but i see through it now. it’s fear. fear of grinding and competing. fear of loss. fear of not measuring up. i know i have ability. i’ve always known that. what i know now is that i’m willing.
obligation is a bitch. but that’s where greatness lies. i still grit my teeth at the idea that things aren’t “on my time” but nai– you set the goals. THE GOALS determine the plan of action. your mind and habits are soft. addicted to path of least resistance. constantly searching for the reassuring “this is good enough.” i’ve gained a lot more control as i continue training “for life.” thank you universe.
oh, and amidst all of this turmoil, beautiful things have been flourishing on the romance front. i’ll need to factor this into my daily(s) as well. everything that matters need to accounted for and nourished. celebrate and honor that. this reminds me that the physical daily(s) help callous my mind but i’m not trying to be a body builder or anything. keep the physicals but tailor them. film/biz needs more time. famo and close friends need some attention as well. tomorrow i’ll be reformatting daily(s) i’ll need to factor all of this in. above all. TIME. MOTHER. FUCKING. MANAGEMENT.
anywho nai, sleep now. we just screwed another daily: 7-8 hrs of sleep just went out the window.
love you universe.
[late for 1/27/19, published on 1/28/18 0434]