man o man stretching felt good last night. not physically stretching (which reminds me i do miss yoga)
last night i stayed up until 2am trying to get subtitles, color grading, and captions on my latest posts correct. usually i just shoot my shot and pat myself on the back for showing up. i made a good cake (if content is the cake) and i usually just throw some shoddy icing on top (no color grading, lazy editing, etc)– why ruin the cake? why not hold onto the vision a bit longer. struggle a bit longer in the fight. reach.
i’m comfortable tapping out because i’m used to just showing up.
in doing so i stifle the full potential of each dream i try and push out into the universe. last night i didn’t make the perfect video but i did my best. and that FEELS really good. i won’t do less than that again.
i came out to shoot with FLy today (Francis FLy, rapper)
i’m glad i did. i got game from dude at the barber shop—further confirmation. i must always walk outside and do my duty. he suggested valacyclovir (for my cold sore) which i already take there was still a gift there. he recommended a higher dose. he made it seem like he popped em like candy and if mine is 10x the size of his, his method works.
as the fence around this long time insecurity (cold sores) falls i also got some creative reps in today. still more to go though… i still need to post some of the micro-content of my zoo and vic convo for insta, then on to subtitles for the longer youtube form. afterward i gotta talk to alyson about her treatment and bam, we outchea. more reps mang. more me. more progress.
another late entry. yes, i must admit it every time i deliver late.
major breakthrough today. here’s what i feel:
i live a life of comfort.
i bathe in that comfort.
outside of instances where i enjoy particularly high motivation–i don’t take risks in the areas i need to (film)
i lack drive because i’m disconnected from purpose.
i lack purpose because i’ve simply accepted the 9 to 5s that have come my way…
i didn’t design them or reach for them.
i didn’t fight for this position.
so where am i?
i need to DO more to KNOW more.
indie films? documentaries? hosting conversations?
all of them. parts of some?
i need to bet on me.
not wait for more offers from the path of least resistance.
what i do now, i didn’t choose.
chase pushed me to the website. urged me towards thumbtack.
i have a few clips i can string together.
i can start. it’s all there. reach forth nai. grasp for what you want, stop settling for what’s here.
i need to pick me.
i need to bet on me.
stop taking serves from the universe and serve it (me, and you) instead
it’s been an interesting ride. i did about 45 mins yesterday and around 1 hour today. interest comes naturally, though the call to distraction is louder. that’s why i’m still slow crawling to 2 hours. i’ve yet to do what i know works which is wake up early, start with meditation and journaling, then run, and begin work. set the tone.
i can’t say scheduling works well but what always works well is doing what i need to do first. that leads to doing more productive things after. i haven’t journaled in a while. i need to.
so here i am. it’s obvious why i struggle. this is the current output level. for one addicted to comfort and routine. this is the bar i’m trying to move. if i stay dedicated it will move. and further after that. and even further after that. and so falling short of 2hrs is expected but i will have to try harder. review the day. strategize new ways around long-time problems. so here we are.
p.s. also excited because i’m beginning to interrupt my hedonistic patterns to perform the tasks on my list (e.g. editing intermittently while jumping around to music) usually it’s all play.
i’ve been in control before but not consistently. the 2hr start will get me there.
love you universe
the 2 hour rule.
this will surface in episode 001
hmm. should i start from 001 or 011?
just branch off from teh vlog…
i’ll share it here though. the raw idea is that i am now far from the idealized version of myself. the habits, practices, and some of the principles i hold now aren’t aligned with the results or i output i want. in this case a dope show that’s some part intimate convos, another segment involving some creative collaboration, and another part documentary– instead of trying to destroy all my vices and morph my principles, instead focus on doing the work for just two hours a day. from there results will form. new dopamine pathways. those results are aligned w/ my values. and slowly it will get easier to rewrite the entire code.
p.s. an hours and 34 mins late
love you universe
today i shot an attempt at what i really want.
at 204am i’m reporting in. 2hrs late i know but i did the work.
afterwards i connected with a human i’ve been meaning to bond with for a long time. it was magic sauce.
long story short.
today was a win
and i will show rather than tell.
i didn’t produce the finest work ever. but i did the best work i could today. i’ll be shipping to you soon.
more more more.
the way is becoming clearer.
and just to be clear. i’ll be publishing a new convo that gets ever closer to teh show i want to show week by week. DO DA DAMN THANNNG
another visit from my okd friend mr. cold sore. he’s dictated a lot of my moves. not today though, i’m still going to keep my word. support my friend at his show. god i wanna bail. i’ll be anxious so often. swimming in a sea of imagined judgement.
ah this again…joggers. suffering in imagination. the fake voices in my head with creative ideas about what others think of me. but it’s all me. this theater in my mind. i’m not really in control. the thoughts appear. i don’t get to vote on what comes next.
but it’s not a hopeless situation. i’ve been meditating a lot. seeing thoughts for what they are. i don’t have to follow all of them. i can focus. shift perspective. that’s damn near control of my feelings. that’s the power of thoughts.
another discovery. in addition to struggling to find my why. i see how another problem aside from the current problem: not having a clear passion that consumes me—pulls me into action.
clearly i’ve yet to encounter that. well that’s what i thought but qaz and i stumbled upon another theory. that women, weed, and liquor served as adequate outlets for work. they make stagnation in career ok and tolerable. i don’t regret the past. i’ve learned so much there, there’s a lot of magic there but there are some drawbacks.
i need to take some time to evolve on a person level in the discipline and work department. this may require sacrifice. liquor and weed for sure. the costs are too high and they trigger old patterns. sober relationship is okay.
evovle. love u universe. thank you.
slowly. ugh! it feels so good. i had a meeting with aly G. awesome artist who does a million things and before we linked i noticed thoughts associated with stress. resistance to obligation. thoughts that were tied to anxiety and nervousness—completely divorced from my true enthusiasm for the pending encounter. which btw was ALL fun, completely inspiring, and a huge step forward creativity. i’ll be learning, experiencing, and conquering so much through her on her project—not to mention she’s excited to be one of the artists on my conversation series.
then another meeting with anothen titan woman on her shit. she gave me a lot of business game and updated me on her recent accomplishments. she’s also someone who wants to work together.
there’s so much opportunity on the table and with a clearer vision of WHY i see them. chase reminded me this HUSTLE season. the garden is ripe ready for picking. it’s slay season and i’ve been forming a team. amazing ppl who will all soon meet. and ego free, i will serve as _one_ of the conduits of their abilities.
THANK YOU UNIVERSE
december 2018 will end strong cuz 2019 is ALL swings and lessons
i have it. the why. many conversations with friends. some time alone. and i have it. the why. replicating the same candor, growth, empathy, and love i have in my relationships. i want to share those conversations. those insights.
i will turn the vlog into a conversations series. blog every day. start back up two different podcasts. maybe even a third with chase. and hustle my dick off for videographer gigs. but why? all to get better at hosting conversations– done.
i feel so much confusion. so much indecision. i hesitate to call it “overwhelm” because there isn’t really “a lot” going on–yet, i’m confused… it’s as if i’m in the middle of a crosswalk dressed in crossing guard uniform. all the cars are stopped in every direction and i just can’t decide where to direct the traffic. who goes first? what takes the lead? what is the goal?
and round and round we go. actually the opposite. i’m standing still. dumbfounded. eddying about my non-starter position. and this indecision, this ambiguity is starting to stretch into even simpler parts of my life. deciding what task to do next at work grows tougher. being disconnected from a specific sense of purpose since missing the last vlog has left me in a free fall of sorts. i can see the slideshow of doubt sprawl across more and more decisions.
of all the things i said yes to– do i still want to do them? why did i say yes? should i keep saying yes? what am i working towards? WHY?why? WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?
i’m doing the vlog for a reason. practice? what am i practicing for? why am i not just DOING THAT THING? am i trying to be a full-time freelancer? is that really the life i’m running to? do i want to make my own movies? after my first run, do i want to keep doing diff seasons of this artist series? do i want to work on docs? am i trying to work for a production company? what am i struggling towards…? if i don’t know why i’m working hard…if i don’t know what the dream is–how can i claim it? have i been finding myself through helping others or am i avoiding the challenge of decoding my own struggle?
this has always been my issue. this is why the dip is so hard. this is why staying committed to anything is so hard. i’ve touched base with a few of my inner sanctum members and the current consensus is this: i’m still exploring. so as the great chase put it, PICK ALREADY!! we’ll learn about my heart wants by doing.
pick nai. pick one dream. one goal. one fantasy. (be specific…name…due date…goal….) then just fucking start. snarl. fight. protect. bleed for its completion. then stop and reevaluate.
not complicated but hard as fuck.
love you universe.